What if it’s karma? For every bad thing I ever did. For every time I was selfish. Inconsiderate. Mean. For every drug I did. For every time I had meaningless sex. For every time I batted my pretty little eyelashes to get what I wanted. For the hell I put my parents through as a teenager. For being the black sheep. For every moment of beautiful life I was too stupid to appreciate.
Does the universe punish us? Was I getting was I deserved? I’m more a spiritual than religious person but I’d find myself praying to God asking for the pain to stop. In those moments I would give anything for the pain to stop. I never understood how anyone could commit suicide until I experienced that kind of pain and suffering. You’ll do anything to make it all just stop. You grip onto your mattress gasping for air going back and fourth in your head between desperately wanting to be able to take one solid breath and just for it all to end.
Your mind goes down a rabbit hole. I’m not going to sugar coat it. I’m going to be fucking real, my mind became my enemy. I walked the lines of reality and rationality. I didn’t trust myself alone. I became paranoid. I started making up scenarios in my head that dictated my life. I questioned my entire existence. I hit rock bottom and continued to fall. I was to far down the rabbit hole. I ended up in some purgatory and saw no way out. And all I could think was, how did I get here?