It hardly snows in Atlanta, but it snowed on Friday night. I’m from Southern California and having four seasons is something I’ve come to hold close to my heart. I love the snow. It’s the cliche, gentle reminder of change & beginnings & ends— I love it. It snowed last winter, but it wasn’t like this. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning to it still snowing outside. I pulled myself out of bed & watched the snow from my living room. I knew it wouldn’t last & wanted to sit with it while I had the chance.
This snow was different than it’s been in the past. Or at least that’s how it seemed. It looked so beautiful. Beautiful & calm. Calm but heavy. Cold but right. It felt right. Sitting there alone at 4:30 in the morning watching this snow fall … everything felt right. I felt right.
It’s never been like this before. I’ve never been like this before. What’s changed? I thought about it. What hasn’t? That’s the real question. A year ago I didn’t know if I would ever feel right again, but there I was … at 4:30 in the morning with everything feeling right. Everything wasn’t alright. Everything still isn’t alright. But in that moment, that was okay. Eventually I went back to bed & laid there … I felt lucky. Lucky to witness such a beautiful snowfall and lucky to recognize the beauty. Lucky to be alive.
I laid there & thought about how I never thought I would have moments like this again & what that felt like. To be in so much pain that you want to die. To be in so much pain that you think you will die. To be so hopeless. To think that there’s nothing good left for you. To live in such darkness. To think there’s no way you can survive what’s in front of you.
I survived. I tell myself that every day. Several times a day. I don’t want to forget it. Here I am. Most days it still feels unbelievable, but the little things prove to me that it’s real. The little things like a snow fall at 4:30 in the morning & knowing that it’s beautiful. The little things like letting go of what you can’t have because you know those things deserve their best chance even if that’s not you.