recently
I wrote this about two months ago. I just wanted to post this in case anyone else is feeling this way. Do know that I understand how you feel.
Lately, I have just been feeling so lonely. I don’t know if it is the stress of going back home, graduating or going out into the real world. I’m scared about going back home and not being who I am now and who I used to be and where I used to be.
Sometimes, I lay in bed and question my purpose in the lives of people around me. I wonder if the decisions I make will give me the outcome that I want in my life. At times a feeling of being empty can overcome me so much that it takes over my whole head and makes me think nothing will ever be right just when I was starting to feel so content with where I am. There seems to always be something to take that good feeling away from me. That safe feeling away from me. I will be living in the moment, enjoying all of the good things that there are in life for me, see how positive things are going and then one day all the negativity in my life will crash my world down. It feels often that there is nothing to help me feel better. That I am in it all alone. Sometimes it feels that no one cares.
There is so much I struggle with that I just feel I can’t tell anyone. Everyone comes to me and tells me all of their problems and I try my best and hardest to fix them the best I can. It makes me think how can I help and fix everyone’s problems but mine just seem so impossible to even fix. It also feels that there is no one that I can turn to with my internal emotions. When I do talk to people, it always feels like I am bothering them or that I am just this burden to them or that when I talk to them they really aren’t paying attention to what I am telling them.
For the past few nights, I’ve cried myself to sleep. I haven’t cried this much in years. I just feel so helpless at times. For awhile, I have suppressed all of my feelings because I thought that it was weak to have emotions. That crying and feeling sad is a weakness and I don’t want people to think that of me at all.
Sometimes, I feel like nothing. That I have no worth at all to me.
I feel like a failure at times. So many people want to be in my position. 19 days from graduating college but towards the end of such a big accomplishment in life I feel like I am a failure. I should be so happy and ecstatic but I am so miserable. The feeling of being miserable comes from just everything in life. Leaving college, figuring out life, probably never seeing all of the people that I have met here ever again, going back home and dealing with my family life. I have been waiting for this moment for years. I have dreamed of this moment since I was a young girl but now that it is here I should be feeling excited but I’m not.
Sometimes, throughout the days I get so upset or I just cry. It gets to the point where it physically hurts my chest from all of the emotions that I am feeling. Coming into school my first day here I was so happy. Making new friends, and being so happy. I was so involved with everything there was to do here at school and now I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t have a desire to go out and do the things I used to do. My passion in life and drive has seemed to diminish into nothing.
I thought that college was a time to find yourself, find that special someone in your life, make friends that will last a lifetime but right now I am more lost than ever. Sometimes, I stay up into the late hours of the night and tire my mind thinking of every situation that happened today and wondering if I could have done something better. I think of what my future will be or won’t be.
I want all of these feelings to go away. The pain, the misery, the sadness. I want it all gone.
Sorry to anyone who reads this but I just needed to vent somewhere. I don’t even know if I’ll make this public.
