Ava Mccoy
Ava Mccoy
Sep 2, 2018 · 6 min read

Life with Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder


I am a diagnosed Agoraphobic.

I'm going to share my experience, or some of it I guess. But while secure behind my keyboard tucked away in my "safe zone". I'm sure some will picture me as a perpetual emotional wreck unable to even walk out my front door. Some may simply think me lazy, insane, over-dramatic... whatever. I'll be honest: Some of that is fair, but some of it just hurts. This is not the life I chose for myself I can assure you.

Allow me to give some information about myself.

I'm 37 years old, a mom to three great kids. I have chronic illness and I spend a lot of time in pain (trigeminal neuralgia, Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction, arthritis and fibromyalgia). Physical illnesses are another story for another time.

Moving on. In addition to Agoraphobia, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and primary insomnia. I did not realize I could be diagnosed with both Anxiety and panic disorder. But alas, here we are.

My day to day is complicated, scary, sometimes I am agitated, and sometimes it's a huge struggle to leave bed. I can attend my doctor's appointments, psychiatrist appointments, and make it to an occasional school meeting to address my special needs son and his appointments. My children's needs are met (medical, emotional, etc).

I can go outside to sit with my son, check his beloved pear tree and we always talk about his day and I spend time helping with homework.
I focus much of the little energy I have on my kids.

But I don't live life. That's just the truth.

I don't do many of the things I once enjoyed. It's all to do with physical and mental health struggles that wear me down and, for now, control much of my life.

I've limited myself to the necessities only... And even those are about as difficult as it gets.
I cannot be in stores, I cannot function around even small groups of strangers, I cannot go to movies, malls, restaurants and so on. This is the byproduct of my mental illness. I cannot control my daily panic attacks, they control me. Again... That's just the truth.

On occasion I'll attempt to force it. Take my son to a bookstore (some thing he loves to do), I may get through thirty minutes before I begin to feel the familiar throat tightening and chest pounding. Yep... Its a panic attack... I've scounted the exits from the second I entered the building, and now... I'm desperately attempting to get to one.
I say "why don't we head home.... (insert excuse) " But my son knows this is code.. it's code for "mommy is having a panic attack, and it's time to go."

My son understands.... My son understanding makes it worse.

I feel like a failure, I know my mental health is not my fault, but I still feel I let others down so often. It's difficult. I don't think it's possible to explain how bad a panic attack is. Unless you have had a panic attack, you'll likely find the description "over dramatic".

Panic attacks are unforgiving. They do not play by any rules, or at least I'm unaware of the rules. The not knowing, that's the kicker, it often leads to anticipatory anxiety.
This is how my Agoraphobia began and why it's still a huge issue.

Most individuals have experienced an anxiety attack at some point. However, anxiety attacks are slightly different than panic attacks. I had anxiety attacks over traffic jams, money issues, marital strife, and other such things... And they're not pleasant at all.

Anxiety attacks are usually brought about because of a particular stressor and are short-lived (as in, once stressor is gone/removed the attack begins to subside). And that's where the difference between anxiety attack and panic attack begins¹.

Panic attacks have little to do with stressors and that means they don't usually subside easily, you cannot remove a stressor that you cannot identify and the fear of that next attack is torture.

They, panic attacks, are unpredictable and often unprovoked. There is genuine terror, fear, physical symptoms (beyond the racing heart and sweaty palms), you may feel you are having a heart attack. I myself often do feel I am dying.

I feel terror, fear, nausea, dizziness and shortness of breath... Every time one hits, no matter how many times a week I experience an attack, I never manage to remind myself in that moment that I am not dying.

It's impossible, at least for me, to even think in the midst of an attack. I sob uncontrollably, my throat feels like it's closing, my chest is heavy and pounding, I sweat, I'm on shaky unstable ground. I can feel it under my feet slipping away from me, I fight for air and yes it enters my mind that "I'm dying" right there on the spot. I have had attacks that last for thirty minutes and some that last hours. I never know when one will hit, how long it will last or how I'll manage to survive it.

See... "Over-dramatic," right? I feel that. No really... every time the panic ends, I feel humiliation. I feel weak, dramatic, depressed and hopeless. I curse myself for not getting my coping skills just right, I learned the breathing! I learned the counting! Why didn't I just do it!?

These are my questions after my panic attack ends...
Every. Single. Time.

I feel that shame, exhaustion, and a sense that it will never get better.
I do try to remind myself that I am slowly working through these issues, it won't be "fixed" overnight and so on... I try not to beat myself up, I know I'm struggling and cannot control it. I know this, I tell others with panic disorder to be kind to themselves, give themselves time, and love themselves...

But... I'm human, I get embarrassed and kick myself for not being in control of it. That embarrassment, that terror, that feeling I'll die... That's what triggered my Agoraphobia. It started with malls, a panic attack or two later I could not go there again! Then grocery store, movie theater, work place, traffic, gas station so on and so forth. Every time I have a panic attack in a store or situation... that place becomes "unsafe." It's hurting me, it's trying to kill me, I need to avoid it so I don't have another attack... See how it works? It's cruel actually. I get no warning, no chance to hit it before it hits me. So I blame the attack on the location or situation.

I know this is irrational to most. But my brain works against me, as does my body. I know I still have attacks at home. Part of me thinks about the ratio of attacks... Less at home than when I'm at grocery store... therefore... Home must be safer. But is home really safer? No... Not really. But that's Agoraphobia, that's panic disorder, and that's what I deal with, that's what many deal with. It does not repair itself, your safe zone gets smaller and smaller... Without the help (therapy and/or medication) the world will shrink for the Agoraphobic individual. It's inevitable.

I live each day aware the next attack will hit whenever it chooses. I won't know when, I can't plan around it, I can't simply breathe through it... That is the nature of the disease.

I know I need help to overcome this illness, that's why I'm in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. I'm trying each day to heal, to gain some form of control, to fight for my self.

This is my day to day with panic disorder and Agoraphobia. A very condensed version. If you too struggle as I do I want bto say "Do not give up, you deserve life and acceptance. You are amazing and worthwhile" .
Thank you for reading about my day to day. I appreciate you.

(Please note: Anxiety attacks are awful, I am in NO way down playing anxiety attacks. I know they are physical and impair quality of life.. mental health struggles are mental health struggles. Period.

Just in case: I am not a doctor/psychiatrist. Please know I am not giving medical/psychological advice, I'm simply sharing my story and that includes information regarding my diagnosis as I understand it.)

Follow me on IG @miss_gore_fan_


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