amarsi un po.

At night, when my son is falling asleep in my arms, I look down at this small creation of mine and I think “Forgive me baby, I will never be good enough for you.”

We are our son’s world. His roots, his reactions will be based off of us. His love, his respect for others, his kindness, his selflessness, his generosity, his ego. It falls on us and we are failing him.

I am not a mother who spends her days cooking and cleaning, doing laundry and spending quality time with my child. No, I am lucky if I am able to get off work and have energy to cook dinner, feed my son, give him a bath, clean the dishes, take a shower and go to sleep by 10pm so I can wake up at 5:30am and do it all over again.

And if I’m being honest, being a mother and a wife is weighing me down. I recall the days of my life way before Charlie, way before you. One without much responsibility; I miss it at times. Mainly, I miss the potential my life once had. Not that my life is over now, I don’t mean to sound dramatic. I constantly am reminded that being a mother is the most fulfilling feeling in the world. But I often feel my life is like the ride back home after a long night. A constant reminder of the end.

I don’t blame this feeling on being a mother. I love being a mom. It is something I cannot explain. No matter the words I search for, I can’t understand how I am not happy. Why I long for those days of being free. I frequently feel ashamed, how can I be so ungrateful of my family. So many women would kill for a son and a husband. And yet, this isn’t what I want.

I still remember the day “It’s positive, congratulations.” I sat in utter shock.

The moments that followed are more fuzzy. Lots of tears, lots of disappointment and lots of fear. So many thoughts went through my head that day. Some I’m ashamed to mention and others I will share with our son. I never wanted to be a burden to you. I never wanted to get married in a rush because I couldn’t be showing at our wedding. I never wanted to shame my mother. I never wanted to disregard people calling my son a mistake or an accident. OUR beautiful son, who never asked for any of this. I never wanted to have to choose between diapers or food for Charlie. I never wanted to be like my mother- constantly struggling and waiting for her husband to care and change for his family.

We owe our son the world. He should get everything, including a good childhood- one without memories of mom and dad yelling or throwing things. A childhood filled with love and honesty and respect. Something we lost a long time ago. Charlie deserves it all.

I know the exact moment when I realized Charlie wouldn’t have parents that could give him any of those things. It broke me inside and I still feel so broken.

So this is my goodbye to you. My heartfelt apology for forcing you into a life you never wanted. I loved you, but not enough. I wanted you but not as much as I put on. I needed you, that is true, but you couldn’t be who I needed.

The only thing I ask is always set an example for our son. Show him how to be a man by making the right choices. Teach him to respect women by (easily enough) respecting women. Show him it’s okay to swallow your pride and be the bigger person. Teach him that your wife and children come first- no matter what. Be what he needs and love him like I deserved to be loved by you. Show him it’s okay to be human and have flaws because he is perfect to you no matter what.