An Open Letter to Myself

I kept searching for something I never lost but was long forgotten. I insisted on helping others build themselves up, at the expense of breaking myself down. I never wanted to see others suffer as I have, so I thought I was helping when I was merely running away from my own demons. I was so broken and so ignorant of my own needs that I tried fixing my flaws through others. Now that I have nothing to rely on, I realize how much I needed to be my own friend and lover all along. I recognize how my trauma never dissipated but rather, it lived dormant within me, and like a volcano, it erupted when everything seemed fine and stable. Never did I imagine that I could feel this desolate and alone because I always had someone to run away with. Not this time, not ever.

You cannot fix people no one needs fixing.

To feel a calling for ‘helping people out’ means that you feel in a superior position to those ‘suffering,’ or ‘in need,’ when in truth, you are operating on a power dynamic that places you in a position to exploit. That is just an ego trip dictating that you are inherently better, and the suffering of others’ confirm your ego’s exploitation of others’ sufferings as examples of superiority. We all have moments of despair, we all have moments of joy too, but using those moments of despair to serve your own selfish needs is severely damaging to everyone involved. In reality, you are propping yourself up on others’ misery to avoid your own ugly flaws and mistakes, so when a real life changing event occurs and everything underneath you is shaken, you realize that all of that effort you invested in others will never be reciprocated. You never actually let anyone in because you were too afraid of the ugliness inside, and now you are all alone dealing with that trauma. It hurts.

But let us be clear that it is your own fault for cultivating someone else’s garden and not your own. There is nothing wrong with weeds, really, but you are so caught up trying to compete with your neighbor’s roses that you fail to see the beauty and life forms in your own space. Plant roses if you wish, but do not forget that if you are doing it all for the sake of saving face and maintaining an unnatural image of yourself, you will always feel empty.

Like your ego, other egos do not care if you grow; they only care about their own process, as your own does too. Sure, it is selfish, you live in a world where people only care about themselves and you wish to be that agent of change, but you cannot beat a system of exploitation that relies on degrading people by trying to build individual egos up. They are not the ones trying to change the system, they only want to be accepted and successful within that same exploitative power, and because the promise is so sweet, they can almost taste it, even when they too are tools of their own demise.

No one needs saving but yourself, you need to align yourself with your purpose and talents because no one else will. You, a product of a loving community, are the one that holds all of the answers to your own path, everything else follows suit and materializes. It will all come in due time when you are ready, and your ego stops telling you it needs everything immediately and in a manner in which you are being exploitative. When you recognize that you are working against the same forces that allowed your talents and gifts to manifest, you learn to take a step back and relax. It all comes in due time. You learn to appreciate what you always had, and learn to accept the power given to you. You finally recognize that those meant to change and grow with you come naturally, and do not need any type of encouragement or nudge to be better companions. They are in positions to cooperate because you are too, and they are in your space to help build and create that vision others in your past were too scared or distracted to understand and help manifest a new way of life. We only lose that which does not align with our visions and we attract that which is. That is the order of things and we must accept the loss and gains within our lives.

It is not anyone’s fault, we are all here to do different things, to live separate lives and use our various talents in specific ways. You cannot force love, companionship, friendships or even understanding. We all have different motives and different purposes, but we need to let these manifest on their own and see whether or not our purposes align with each other. If they do not, we keep it pushing and find other ways to manifest our hopes and dreams with those willing to listen and build as a community, without power dynamics and exploitation. We come full circle and understand that we need to build ourselves up first. Sure, we want and need the affirmations from time to time, but we can never rely on the full support of external forces that only we can give ourselves.

This is where the lesson lies; we are enough, we have everything we need within us, we merely need to listen and pay attention to the signs that guide us in our power. Take a step back, breathe, and trust your process. Learn to love your struggle and understand that you are exactly where you need to be, in the right time and space. Let us affirm that we are enough, we are creators, and we can heal the universe by healing ourselves.