Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

The Struggle Is Real

Alodia Thaliel
Sep 1, 2018 · 5 min read

The Struggle Is Real

The Struggle Is Real

The Struggle Is Real

I know we all say it a lot, but have we sat down to think about what “The Struggle Is Real” is actually saying? What it is we’re trying to convey with this flippant phrase? It’s a meme and it’s something that pops up in reflex, but where is it stemming from? What are we hiding behind this joke?
If you ask me, it’s an attempt for someone to validate how difficult we find something to be or to try and get someone to understand where we’re coming from. It’s a cry for help and a plea for patience. Sometimes the obstacle is mental, and at other times physical, or spiritual, but it is there. There is something in the way, and we’re just trying to remind people that we’re struggling.
But does it work?
In all honesty, no.
Why doesn’t it?

“question mark neon signage” by Emily Morter on Unsplash

I admire the attempt to get someone to understand your challenges, I think it’s important, even. We should all remember to be honest, and to be compassionate to those around us. But, why is it so hard to get someone to listen? And why do we have to remind them that this is very real? That our struggles exist? That our feelings are real?
Take myself, for example, I have a mental disability. Straight up. I’ve been tested, I’ve been diagnosed, and it’s something I struggle with every day. Doctors have looked at me, and I am disabled.
It does not define me, but I am not shy about it. I speak freely about it so that I am clear, and people can understand where I am coming from. I don’t think it is a big deal, but it is a part of me. I don’t even ask for special accommodation, simply patience and time.
See, my biggest problem is my memory. I have half of the short-term memory of a normal human. Give a normal person a string of digits, they will remember 8–10 numbers in a row. I will remember 4 or 5. Consistently. It has been this way since I was 6, and it will never get any better. I have to write down everything just to have a chance at remembering to do it, and often times I will need reminders. I have failed entire classes because I have forgotten there was homework online, and I have missed important events simply because I forgot they existed.
It’s never malicious, it’s nothing personal, it just is.
But somehow, just my asking for patience, and for the ability to write things down, and do them at a later date, has created endless strife in my life.
Despite my openness, despite me making what I need clear, there is no empathy for how I have to live. There is no understanding, there is no kindness. All I get is derision.
Why?
I keep asking myself the same question, but I have no answer. There is no rhyme or reason for why people seem to punish me for my struggles, but they do. I am either too inconvenient for them, or they don’t care enough to give me the time I need.
I read an article once called I Don’t Know How To Explain To You That You Should Care About Other People and I feel that sentiment deep in my bones. Deep deep down… Not just for myself, but for everyone.
Why don’t we, as a society, care more about others? Why do those of us with disabilities and those who struggle have to fight for every damn inch of kindness we can? How can I possibly explain empathy to so many who seem to be lacking it?
I have sobbed in my car at lunchtime because someone made me feel like I was an idiot for not remembering something. I have gotten mad at myself because I forgot I had plans, and I either don’t show up, or I have to go somewhere when I don’t want to. I’ve missed birthdays and holidays… Just today I forgot I ordered some donuts which I had specially made and had paid for. I was supposed to pick them up today, and did I? No.
I know it’s not my fault I don’t remember, I know that I didn’t do it on purpose, and they know it’s not on purpose either… But still, some hold others accountable as if they do things on purpose. Treat them as if every mistake is intentional.
As a result, we hold ourselves accountable this way too. Because how else can you try to prevent it? What other method is there to try and preempt our mistakes, but to be hard on ourselves and to work more than we need to.
We have no other choice, lest we are derided for not caring enough, or for not trying to do better. It’s almost like you can’t be kind to yourself, or others won’t think you are trying your best.
If I explained this, do you think it would make a difference? How many times do I have to repeat my pain before someone understands?
And this, at its core, is what has lead me here today. I wish I had answers, and I wish I had some feeling other than pure frustration and helplessness. I have ADHD. It’s not the end of the world, but sometimes my inability to do something about it makes it feel like it is.

If you’re out there, and you’re struggling like I am… Take heart. You’re not alone. This is a process, but if nothing else, you have me there with you, and together we can do our best.

I don’t have some magical answer. I don’t have a way to fix things… But this is all I can do. All I can do is explain how I feel, and hope others will sympathize.
It’s my last thread of hope, and I am clinging to it.