Blankets

Growing up, some children are said to have a favorite blanket, a blanket that they cannot seem to go anywhere without. You could say that they seem to be protected by that single piece of fabric. I have seen some children refuse to use any other blanket because it wasn’t “the blanket.” I know that this is something that children grow out of, and how the blanket is just a single piece of fabric after all. All the meaning that once was in the blanket, slowly erodes away. The blanket is simply a blanket. No more and no less. It was never really there for comfort, but more for protection.

With this blanket, how can people really see what’s out there? If they hide behind it, what is there left to experience? You are left behind from the masses. You hide for so long that you forget that there are other, living, breathing human beings out there.

Wouldn’t you think that as we grow out of this “blanket” phase, we are done with hiding? Well, I’m sorry to say that humans can’t drop habits that easily. We exchange our blankets for another one. The physical blanket is changed into a metaphorical one. We all have a blanket, everyone has their own unique way of hiding. They range from humor, to intellect, to the way one dresses, to how flirty they were, to even the way they act. I too have a blanket. I’m not proud of it, but I too am human and imperfect. I hide behind my emotions. I wear them so often, that I have it drilled in my mind that I cannot go anywhere without them.

I hide behind my emotions. I cannot see myself clearly. I cannot see what is going on in the world. I cannot see what I am missing. So many people have told me that I can’t keep doing this. That I have to burn the blanket and move on. That I have to evolve in a sense. That I cannot be who I am anymore. And yes, this is who I am. I am the quiet one who hides from people. I can’t change as easily as people want me to. Human interaction has never been so easy for me. My anxiety takes control and I lose it. My anxiety keeps me from having fun and being a kid. It stops me from seeing the good in people. It blinds me from whatever rational thought I have. I have been told that I tend to attack when talking. I never really saw how, or still don’t see how.

I hide behind my fear. The fear that people don’t like me. Well not that people don’t like me, but that I am not worth anyone’s time. I think that is my greatest fear. Not spiders or ghosts, but just not being worth it. Not being worth anyone’s love. And that is what us humans starve for. We crave the human affection. We want others to tell us how great we are. We want people to tell us how much they love us. How much we mean to them. How much they need us. I am terrified that people will only look for me if they need anything. I give love so easily. When I give love, people just take it and leave. With no love in return, they turn and leave. Everyone leaves. I am not worth your efforts in staying, right. I’m not worth the fight.

I hide behind my anger. I usually don’t get angry, but when I do, I am said to be malignant. I find their weak spots and give them all I got. I need to protect myself from being hurt. That is just a reflect. I was taught to protect myself from others. If I let people into my mind, into who I am, they somehow have a chance to take it all away. I can’t give myself to people, I don’t even have myself. I am too blind and fueled by fire to see that I am doing to them what I wouldn’t want to me.

I hide. All I do is hide. When things get tough, there is no other solution in my mind that makes sense. I don’t face it, I hide. My blanket helps me hide from all these problems that I go through. Everyone has a blanket, but it seems like mine is evil. People have told me that I have to burn the blanket and never let it hide me again, but it’s not that easy. I grew up with this blanket. This is mine and mine alone. No one else has this, no one.

This is mine. I never let myself get close to others, because everyone leaves. If I were to give everyone a piece of me, I’d be left with nothing. I am too scared to let myself be consumed like that. I need myself more than they need me. You may ask me why I do it then, why do I let myself get hurt? I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you why. I don’t want to be left empty and alone. The easiest thing to do is to avoid everything as much as possible. To not let anyone else take a part of me. I avoid conflict and avoid questions. Avoid people.

Opening up is never easy. Talking about yourself isn’t easy. It takes a lot of strength to see your mistakes. To see your mistakes and try and fix them. Fixing them takes so much out of you, but it’s worth it, right? Seeing these mistakes in you and being aware of it all is a huge step. That’s what I am doing here. I see my mistakes. Let me tell you, all of this wasn’t easy. None of this was easy. Humans aren’t perfect, and humans make mistakes. But it takes the strongest of them all to see that.

Knowing that I need fixing doesn’t mean that I am done with this, that I am done learning. There are still so many things that I can do to help myself. I know what needs work and I have a plan. My plan involves opening myself up to more people and trusting them. My plan is all mapped out. I know what to do next. The part that I don’t have figured out is when all of this will be fixed. I don’t know when all of this will be over. I pray that it will end soon. That I will eventually be happy with what I have done. Maybe I can finally be happy being me.