A letter to myself. I’m too scared to pursue what I love.

Let’s be honest with yourself. You’re chasing security. To pursue your ambitions you are faced with the doubt of not making it leading to a downward spiral of getting depressed and feeling useless. Most importantly you’re petrified of failure.

Failing at the attempt to grab your dreams and thrust them into your pockets seems so terrifying you would rather remain safe. So therefore you would rather not face failure and accept plan B.

This is not cool. You envisioned a lifetime of success. You were told that you were the very talented, many times. You were told that you have a bright future ahead of you.

But you’re still not hired anywhere for your talents.

And now the voices inside your head argue till the two halves of your brain throb and pound the inside of your skull.

‘You need to do this plan b internship to start your plan a career.’

‘But if you’re not good at plan b how are you going to get to plan a’

‘I will learn’

‘But now you’re also miserable and you won’t be able to get the job you want’

‘But it’s where I am right now that counts. Would you rather sit at home sulking?’

‘No’

‘okay then’

‘but i’m still depressed and anxious it won’t work out’

‘Also my bottom right eyelid keeps twitching. According to the latest superstitious reports which I clearly trust over scientific evidence..this is bad luck . It’s been twitching for a while now and nothing seems to be going right for me’

‘SIGH’

‘Is there any point in you living right now?’

This is the inner mental fight I deal with on a daily basis. Am I schizophrenic? Do I have an anxiety disorder? Maybe I do.

The thing is I am very, very impatient. Whenever I see a clock I see my life ticking away. On top of that I feel useless for not reaching a goal in the timeframe I set myself.

I’ve graduated last year and i’m still doing internships. I currently feel stuck.

Is there anyone out there who’s going through the same thing?

Anyone?