I’m tired.

I’m tired. I feel trapped by my envisioned future, as if I’m being corraled into a path that I don’t want to go down, but that I’m already being pushed, and there’s no way to go back the way I came. Time is like that. Two more years of grueling work and studying, applications, four more years of pharmacy school, a career that I don’t know if I will enjoy. In more immediate times, a research internship that I am dreading. Why am I dreading it? Is it the fact that it is taking my short-lived free time away, when all I want to do is to have control over my own time, or because I don’t particularly enjoy research? Both? I am stuck in my non-passion. Even in presence, even with meditation, I am unhappy in the end. I am tired. I want no more responsibilities and no more expectations by society and by my family and by myself. I just want to walk the earth anonymous and take care of my health and nourish my mind with things I want to be nourished by, like books and different cities and peaceful coffee shops. No expectations. No one asking me what my profession is, what my deal is. Idealistic. I tell myself, in a million years, nothing I do will matter. Nothing that happens will matter. The only thing that matters is that I love, is that I feel loved, is that I enjoy life. I want my perfectionist, judging self to go away. Sometimes I wish that I would die, but doing it myself would be too much effort. Just, no more decisions. I just want to live and let live. Please.