How hyper-independence has prevented me from creating deep friendships
Table of Contents
· Life update
· A quick story
· It’s hard to ask for help
· People don’t see the “real you”
· Afterword
Life update
I’m not gonna lie, this week has been rough. My old friend loneliness came back, making me realize how I feel unloved, and like no one really understands me (despite having friends that care about me). However, it has taught me so so so much. I’ve never been able to deconstruct how I felt in so much detail. I realized the one big thing that’s preventing me from creating friendships that last (hint: repeated patterns from childhood), and in this article I want to write about hyper-independence, and how I realized it’s role in preventing me from creating deep friendships. Buckle up because as always, it’s gonna get deep and personal.
A quick story
Before we jump in, I wanna talk about an experience I had that kickstarted the thought process for all of this.
As I sat down in a black swivel chair next to my barber, all I could think about how how my phone was dead. I was getting a haircut (at this place) and had rush out of the house to make sure I wasn’t late. I forgot to bring my portable charger with me. How could I forget something so simple? This wasn’t like me. I’m usually the type of person that plans for stuff like this. I usually think ahead. I can’t believe this slipped my mind.
The barber spun me around. He started some small talk as he began to cut my hair. I noticed a charger plugged into in the wall. I wondered if the cable was the right one for my phone, and if I could ask to use it. Then it hit me:
“I wonder how many opportunities I’ve missed giving people to help me”
Let me explain. If you were raised in an environment that required you to be independent all the time (i.e. you couldn’t consistently rely on your parents to get your needs met, which was the case for me), you end up growing up to be an adult that is hyper-independent. You don’t need help from other people because you’ve learned that the only person you can rely on is yourself. You learn that you can’t trust people.
I realized in this moment, even though it was something so very small like a phone charger, that me asking for help (”bro can I borrow that charger for a sec”) shows other people that I’m not perfect. Asking for help shows other people another side of you, one that needs help — one that sometimes relies on others. This side is usually not shown to others when you’ve learned to be hyper-independent. Let’s explore what that means for friendships. (Oh and if you’re wondering if I asked for that phone charger, I didn’t. I delulu’d myself into thinking that I could experience what it’s like to not be so attached to my phone for a bit — mainly because I was not comfortable asking for what I needed).
It’s hard to ask for help
In a previous article I talked about how I have a difficult time reaching out to friends to ask for help (i.e. emotional support) when I really need it. After thinking about why this is the case, I think it really goes back to this feeling of “I don’t want people to see this side of me, and I don’t need their help.” After all, what good would talking to a friend do? It’s not like they understand me the way I understand myself right? It’s not like they’ll be able to ask me good questions, the way I can ask myself those right? So what’s the point?
I’ve had several past experiences that have proven me wrong here.
First, there’s a lot of value in having someone just listen to you. You feel seen and heard, especially if that person really cares about you and can show it. It’s a weird thing to try to describe, but feeling like you matter in someone’s world because they took the time out of their day to listen to you talk about your problems seems to take a bit of the emotional weight off of your shoulders.
Second, I have had a lot of nice surprises in the past where people ask me really good questions out of nowhere, or make statements that trigger an emotional response in me. One time a friend asked me, “What did your mom do that made you not want to talk to her?” thinking of the answer to that one really made me tear up. Another time a friend said “man that really sucks dude” and that almost made me cry — not just the words but because it sounded so genuine, like he really gave a shit and cared about me. So just because I think “people can’t help me” doesn’t mean I’m right.
Third, this is a trauma response — or without using the big T word, it’s a “repeated pattern”. I have all these thoughts that come up around asking people for help (especially when it comes to something more vulnerable) that all relate to this theme of “calling up this person is useless because they won’t actually be able to help me, because the only real person that can help me is myself”. This is because I learned, at a very young age, that my parents couldn’t give me much. My mom and dad were working all the time because our family growing up was relatively poor, so there wasn’t much available in terms of emotional support. So I had to learn to make my own decisions, and figure out how the world worked for myself.
The TLDR for this entire section is basically “dude, there’s a reason why it’s hard to ask for help, especially if you’re used to doing everything by yourself all the time.” This was my story and background. Maybe you can relate.
People don’t see the “real you”
Ok we’re four sections into this article and I haven’t addressed the main point in the title so I’ll do that now. This week while I was going through all this stuff, I realized that I felt unseen and that no one really understood me. After a bit of self-reflection, I realized why:
I felt unseen because I never really showed my friends the side of me that needed help.
The dude that felt lonely because he’s never had a long term romantic relationship before. The guy that feels unloved because he doesn’t have a good relationship with his family. The guy that just wants to be loved and cared for. The guy that doesn’t really know what it’s like to be truly loved, because he’s never felt what it’s like to be truly loved.
I’ve realized that it’s hard for people to understand and see the “real you” if you keep that part hidden. And the funny thing is, I strive to be a pretty open and authentic person. But I didn’t even KNOW I was hiding this stuff. It wasn’t conscious — I’ve always tried to deal with my problems by myself — alone with my journal, thoughts, and a whiteboard. And occasionally my therapist. I dunno about you, but that sounds like a pretty lonely way to live. In summary:
Hyper-independence has prevented me from creating deep friendships because I don’t fully show up as who I am in my friendships.
This includes both the good AND the bad. So I started experimenting with this. I started talking more about my past and how I actually feel (not just “hey I feel shitty” but “hey I feel pretty lonely because I feel like no one cares about me”).
It’s scary dude. You feel like you’re asking for too much. You feel like you’re trauma dumping. You feel like a bother because you don’t want to ruin the mood for someone’s day. But you kinda just have to do it (I viewed it as a test for my friendships to be able to hit the ‘send’ button).
What I’ve learned from this experience is that people are generally pretty open to helping you out, especially if they care about you. If they’re busy they’ll make time. If they can’t fully be there for you, they’ll still respond with a text showing that they’re there. And even though a text response isn’t exactly a “solution”, I’ve found that even something as small as that can take off some of the emotional weight that’s on your shoulders when you’re really going through it. Idk about you, but to me that’s pretty cool.
Afterword
Before I wrap this article up I want to share a small part of my therapy session that I recently had. I’ve revisited this again and again this week:
Therapist: You need to be open to the idea that sometimes you need people, and that these people will hurt you.
Me: Why should I trust these people? If they’re gonna hurt me, I can just find someone else.
Me: Actually, why do I need people at all? I can just do everything by myself.
Therapist: Why do you need people? Why do you want people around in your life? Why not just do everything by yourself then?
Me: …
Me: Because that’s a very lonely way to live and I don’t want to live that way.
Hmm. Because I don’t want to live that way. Valid. Make ya think, huh?
Thank you for giving me your time and attention today. It means the world to me. I hope you learned something from this or at least could relate. Til next time! 👋
— Andy
