I have “friends” but feel like no one actually understands me.
04.23.24 (Tuesday)
I am not gonna lie, I am pissed. I am angry at the world. Yesterday, I was one again revisited by loneliness. It hit me like a truck. I felt helpless. My body shut down. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. What happened?
I traced back the feeling to unrealistic expectations. The day earlier I ran the sun run, a 10k marathon that happens in Vancouver for the first time. I had also planned to finish a podcast episode that day. I was too tired after the run to do any editing (passed out and napped for like 3 hours) and didn’t meet my deadline. After some more self reflection, I realized that I place a lot of my self worth on accomplishing things (and success, and progress, yenno the vibe) and that is what kick-started this whole thing.
Ok great so I figured out WHY I was feeling like shit, now the hard part is figuring out what to DO about it. The obvious answer here is to just “finish the task” but my body was refusing to do so. I’ve started to listen to my body more (it talks sometimes which is WILD — maybe that’s just me tapping into my subconscious? I’ll probably write another article about that later). Anyways, it just didn’t wanna do anything. If anything, it wanted someone to hug, and to cry. I didn’t have anyone I can call up to come by and give me a hug (actually I lied, I did, but didn’t get a hug, which sucked) and I have difficulty crying (conditioning from childhood — man how much detail do I go into here? A few more of these and ya’ll will know my deepest darkest secrets). Basically, I couldn’t give my body what it wanted. Which sucked balls.
So I sat there, feeling sorry for myself. Half wanting to do nothing and potatoing, half disappointed in myself for not being productive and getting my shit done (high standards, self compassion, yeah yeah I know I’ve heard it all before). Actually if I was going to be honest with myself it was more like I beat myself up over it, and couldn’t give myself compassion for being tired after finishing my first official 10k race, felt guilty about that, then probably felt sad that I was being so hard on myself and didn’t know how to treat myself any other way, which caused me to freeze and potato at home. That sounds a lot more accurate.
Ok so you’re probably wondering, what does this have to do with friends? That’s the thing — have you ever felt like you have a lot of people to talk to — yenno on Instagram, or Facebook, or whatever other social platform you use — you have a lot of “friends” or “followers” but at the same time you feel like you don’t REALLY have people you can reach out to for help? That was me. That is still me. Hello loneliness, we meet again. When am I ever gonna get rid of you? I know you’re here to tell me important things, but holy shit you’re annoying and keep on coming back.
I sat there, scrolling through my contacts on Instagram, at all the unread messages that had little to no depth. Yenno, one word answers, reacts to your story, likes to previous messages. A part of me wonders why I use this app and continue to engage in these seemingly meaningless conversations. Then I scrolled through my texts. I didn’t want to message anyone asking for help. I needed someone to talk to but didn’t want to talk to anyone because I didn’t trust that anyone would be there for me when I needed it the most, even though I would be there for others.
That’s the dilemma: How can you trust people if you don’t give them the opportunity to help you out in the first place? Great question. Still trying to figure that one out. The answer is to just try, but that’s scary and easier said than done.
I sent a total of five texts, asking if anyone was awake. It was 1am. Two people got back to me. The first was a friend that I knew could relate. We’ve talked about all this stuff before: loneliness, feeling unloved, seeking external validation. I expected her to ask if I wanted to talk or to call. She didn’t. We sent a total of 9 texts to each other. This was the second text I sent, after asking if she was awake:
The second person got back to me with a one word response. Not much to work with there. I didn’t feel comfortable enough continuing the convo, so I didn’t. I spent the rest of the night on Youtube shorts, eating chips on the couch, where I fell asleep.
Now you’re probably wondering why I’m mad. Here’s another problem that I’ve noticed: a lot of people aren’t really good at giving emotional support. That’s not a jab at my friends, it’s true. Most people, at least from the ones I’ve encountered, simply do not know how to do it. I know that because I used to be one of these people. Someone would come to me with their problems and I wouldn’t know what to do. Do I just listen? Ask questions? In men’s groups there’s this concept of “holding space” — what the hell does that even mean?
So is it fair for me to expect people to know how to emotionally support me? I just wanted someone to talk to. But the second problem is I am not good at asking for what I want. Maybe it’s because I believe my needs aren’t important, or that expressing them will drive people away because I’m asking for “too much”. Maybe it’s both. I blame my upbringing and childhood. Ok, maybe “blame” isn’t the right word to use here because I should take responsibility for this type of stuff and own my shit. That’s for another day, when I’m not feeling shitty. Today, you bet your ass I will totally pin this blame on my childhood.
But since we’re on the blame train here — is it wrong of me to blame my friends? This is why I’m angry. I’m angry at the world, and don’t want to talk to anyone right now because I’ve been taught, AGAIN, that the only person I can really trust is myself. It is such a difficult lesson to learn. I don’t want to believe that I can’t trust other people — that the only one I can rely on is myself. But it’s true — no one else is going to be there for you 24/7 like yourself. Which means at the end of the day, all you have to fall back on (in times of need) is this relationship you have with yourself. Others may disagree because they have a partner, or really close friends (ex: childhood/best friends), or parents to rely on. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me.
No one else is going to be there for you 24/7 like yourself. Which means at the end of the day, all you have to fall back on (in times of need) is this relationship you have with yourself.
Earlier in the day, when I was forced to face and accept this reality, I forced myself to journal. I sat in my bed (and by sat I mean laid down sideways and sulked) with my laptop and wrote a couple of phrases. Eventually I started crying. Not in like a “explode into tears” kinda way, but more so one tear at a time. I was surprised, since crying for me is rare (though it’s becoming more common these days as I do more of this emotional work on myself, which is a good thing). Here are some of the phrases I wrote that started the waterworks:
I feel like I need to talk to someone. I’m so tired of going through life alone
Am I just unlovable?
Why does it feel like I’m the only one trying these days?
Why don’t I ever make space for myself?
I feel like no one really understands me.
I feel like no one really tries to understand me.
I’m gonna be real, I don’t know what the point of this article is. Maybe it’s to express how I feel because I don’t think anyone actually understands how I feel. Maybe it’s to put this out there in hopes that someone relates. Maybe it’s my way of trying to be seen.
Maybe it’s to keep the hope that “I’m not going through this alone” alive.
Emotions are like waves, there are ups and downs and I know this will pass. But man has it been shitty.
Thanks for reading. Your attention means the world to me.
— Andy
P.S. Knowing future me, I probably sent this article to a few friends. If you were indirectly mentioned here, I want to make it clear that I am NOT blaming you (ok let’s be real, I probably am, a little). I’ve noticed a recurring pattern in my friendships recently where whenever I bring up a problem, the other party apologizes and almost blames themselves for hurting me. This creates distance between us. This is not my intent in creating this article, nor is it something I want to cause. My intent is to express how I feel and provide context on how I think, not to point fingers and put friendships on the chopping block. If you wanna discuss what went down, please reach out. I’d be happy to chat about this, and I’ll try to even if I’m not in a good headspace because I do quite care a lot about my relationships. Thanks.
