Parenting with the black dog #1
Inspired by Alison Rapp’s honest work about living with Borderline Personality Disorder on this site, I feel it’s high time I actually wrote about my own experiences of mental illness — not just for self indulgent catharsis but also because I hope others in my situation may read these notes and be comforted by the blanket of empathy I hope to provide.
Also, I tend to do jokes — just probably not today.
You see, I have returned from an overnight stay at a sleep clinic where I hoped a magic bullet cure for my sleep apnoea and restless leg syndrome issues would be found. In advance, the consultant thought strapping a CPAP device to my face each night would help me overcome the fatigued fug I otherwise must exist through each day (despite technically getting 7-8 hours in bed a night).
Alas, it transpires my anti-snoring mouth guard is doing it’s job just fine and instead it’s my mildly flailing limbs that are the problem. I’m no stranger to RLS, or periodic limb. movement as it’s known by the pros, but always thought it was caused by anxiety. Instead, it’s apparently just another poorly wired part of my brain that’s causing the problem.
My wife texted this morning to find out what had happened and fill me in on the kids' activities (both slept much later than normal, while I was up at dawn), and was typically disheartened by the news it will be weeks or months until I get another appointment and start the long road towards finding another medication that might help.
I make light of it for her — mostly as a period of sleep deprived rage at the weekend nearly ended our relationship (I was an inconsolable, shouty monster after sharing a family hotel room for a night and being forced up at 5am)— but inside I’m devastated I can’t just strap a mask to my face and sleep though the night like normal folk. Albeit looking like Darth Vadar on a budget.
What I can’t yet face is that, in just over a week, I will have six weeks off (guess my career!) with my children and, for a bit, my wife for company.
Currently, and to the constant breaking of my heart, I can hardly cope or take more than a modicum of pleasure from time with my family because:
- I am always, always too tired during the day to care about anything but where my next cup of coffee is coming from
- Despite a cocktail of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds, I am miserable and on edge 60-70% of the day. This rises to 70-80% when I have to look after my children
- I am almost instantaneously bored to tears by any family activity, which both feeds and is fed by the problems above
- My wife, who does so much to help me, stresses me out more than any other person and I have no idea how to communicate with her anymore
- I mentally cannot plan ahead and become frustrated by having to make the smallest decision. Try planning lunch and dinner for others when you feel like that.
- I have almost no time to do anything I want or need to do for my own sanity (video gaming, recording music, writing, sitting quietly in coffee shops and reading, exercising — which I have given up on)
- I can’t be by myself
- I can’t be out with happier friends, enjoying relaxed company.
- I will never atch Game of Thrones (I haven’t finished the first series and am ostracised from society because of this fact)
It’s a grim list but horribly true.
So true, in fact, that a week ago a consultant psychiatrist advised that everyone might be better off if I left home.
I resolved not to do this is, as I know I would be unable to live with the guilt and sense of failure. However, if my wife pushes me to go I will not refuse, no matter how much I know I would love my family if I was anything close to normal.
Anyway, ny intention here is to chronicle the ups and downs of my existence and, to avoid wallowing to much, I will always end with a list of things that have gone well recently. Starting right now:
- I was alone for four hours last night, meaning I managed to watch a movie and finish a book
- I have been invited to resume paid freelance writing on a topic that interests me and I’ve not covered before
- In a week or so, I won’t have to give a damn about my day job
- I have written this
