Why Superheroes Don’t Celebrate Father’s Day

Freud would’ve had a field day with these folks. It’s like, one undeniable condition for having super-powers to save the world is that one must have not simply ‘family problems’ but completely totally MESSED-UP childhood. One could be forgiven for suspecting that if the below individuals didn’t end up as vigilantes fighting for the universe, they’d turn into the opposite.

Check this out:

John Connor (Terminator) — your dad is from the future who died trying to save your mum and who will also one day be your subordinate.

Perseus (Clash/Wrath of Titans) — your dad is a god who had a one-night stand with your human mum and who’s got SERIOUS issues with his dad; your step-dad is killed by your dad’s brother (who drowned all the family you know)

Conan — you watch your dad executed via lava

Indiana Jones — your mum died when you were a kid and you don’t get along well with your dad (who was obsessed with a mythical cup)

James Bond — you never knew your parents and the first time you visit their grave people die around you (incl your friends)

Batman — your parents are killed right in front of you

Iron Man — you’re adopted and your adopted parents are killed in a plane accident

Captain America — your dad died when you were a child, your mum when you were a teen; your father-figure (Dr Erskine) is killed by the Nazis’

Spiderman — your parents were assassinated; and you are (partially) responsible for the death of your father-figure (Uncle Ben)

Superman — your parents died protecting you and blasting you away from home-planet to halfway across the universe

Thor — your dad banished you (to this craphole called Earth) and stripped you of your powers

Wolverine — you kill your own dad (whom you didn’t know fathered you, and who killed the father you thought you had) and your mother dies casting you out

Green Lantern — your dad dies in a plane crash

Punisher — your dad (and whole family) is murdered during a holiday

Hulk — your dad is an alcoholic who murdered your mum; later, you’re hunted by your girlfriend’s dad.

Kungfu Panda — your mum dies saving you and you grow up with a step-dad who doesn’t tell you he’s your real dad until years later (when you eventually meet your real dad whose first important act is to lie to you)

Jyn Erso (Rogue One) — your mum dies in front of you and your dad is responsible for creating a planet-killer, and he dies during one of your team’s botched-up missions

Belle (Beauty & The Beast) — you grow up without a mum, your dad is captured by a monster and you take his place as captive for life

Jesus — you’re torn apart from eternal communion with your Father and the Spirit, given earthly ‘step-parents’, then made to suffer and die for people who hate you (whilst being abandoned by your Father in the process)

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