I´m writting this now because it feels right. It feels like the timing is right. It´s been almost 2 and a half months ago that we basically took this “vacation” which was more like a less hurting way of saying we where breaking up. Never thought it would be this difficult. It´s been my first relationship. I´m 23, she´s 20. We where together for only 5 months which really felt like 5 years. And lived together for 3. It was an incredibly intense and passionate relationship. A roller coaster. Full of love, fun, fights, laughter, crying, growth. In my top 2 experiences of what´s made me grow and understand the most about relationships, couples and human behaviour. It was magic. The best experience in my life so far with an incredible girl.
And although I loved her more than I ever imagined I would (and a lot of people will disagree with my feelings based on my actions, which would really be an oversimplified way of judging things, because there´s much more that goes into place when making a choice than just our feelings for someone) I never felt sure of being in the relationship. I always doubted if she was “the one”. For a long time I promised myself and even shared with those around me that my first girlfriend, unless something out of our control happened, would be my last. That whoever I´d date in a formal way would be because I´d be sure of wanting her to be the mother of my children. Maybe an illusion that became much stronger after my parents separation after 20 years of marriage. And I used to be a blind romantic, but since then I´ve developed more and more the logic part of my brain. I believe in romance, but also in practicality. I believe love and feelings and chemistry, and awesome sex (which we had all of those) are not enough to choose someone as a life partner. I believe common values, and a common vision for our life´s is equally important. But that was not so much of a problem either, my beliefs just got in the way.
So I´m not getting so much into the details of our relationship while we where together (although I probably will in my next book). Here, after creating some context, I´m gonna share my experience regarding our break up.
The day I took her to the airport so she could go to her family´s town in France, it hit me for the first time. I went through a bunch of emotions in my apartment, which still felt like “our” apartment. It felt kind of empty and I was angry, sad and afraid of the thought of having made the wrong choice. “Had the love of my life just left forever?” “Will I ever meet anyone that can give me as much as she gave me?” “Where my ideas of the kind of relationship I really wanted, even realistic?”. This questions came and went maybe every day since we went apart. And the way I felt about the whole situation depended a lot in the meaning I gave it and how I chose to answer those repeated questions in my head. Choosing to believe that it was possible what I wanted with someone, and that I had made the right choice of not staying together, has been my center. And of course a lot of times I´ve felt very unbalanced and there´s a fight going on in my head day and night, while I wish to the universe to just have some constant clarity and certainty about what our relationship ment so I can have peace of mind. It´s very well known in psycology that the more invested you are in someone, meaning the more of your time, energy, attention, and love you give to another person, the harder and more painful it is to “break up” and let go.
After being a kind of player and accustomed to meeting new girls every week, I hadn´t been with anyone else than her in 5 months except for another girl who I cheated on her with, once a few months back (subject I´ll for sure talk about in another blog). It was stupid, chaotic and a huge learning experience, but it´s fair to say that our relationship in many ways had improved, we had even rougher and more loving sex, more transparancy and maybe even more hunger to live things together. But except fot the last week we were together where we did our best to be the best we could be as a couple, the fights and almost daily discussions continued. In my opinion, generally because I got into work mode and was putting most of my attention into my career and life coaching passion. I didn´t put myself enough in her shoes. And she was trying to put herself to much in mine. And I didn´t feel it was fair. Neither for her or for me, to mold each other too much into the other persons needs and ideas of how each day should be lived. She was more about work -life balance which I don´t believe in, and I was more about work -life integration. Working, playing, growing, serving, loving, living, 24/7. Not having specific or limited hours of work and specific or limited hours for each other. So we where basically not in the same channel with our priorities, which was the center point of our break up.
It was a saturday when she left. And after a really hard day, sunday night I decided to go out. I wanted to distract myself, but really I just wanted to “feel” other girls in order to hopefully get the doubts and pain out of my system and regain a sense of freedom and confidence about the choice I´d made of not being with her anymore. So I turned my “player” switch on. I kissed and danced with a couple of girls and I was more than pleased for the night, but honestly kind of unfulfilled and empty. Knowing that it was not the right choice to get back together and that doing so, so early on, would only be out of impatience, missing things about her, even little ones, loneliness and fear, it felt pretty natural to just go fuck other girls. For distraction, to have a sense of connection with the opposite sex, to not “lose” practice, for enjoyment, and to nurture my instincts and ego. So I did. No emotions, just casual sex. And no, it was not a cure for the pain. Or maybe it was, but not a very effective one. We were still in touch almost daily in one way or another through social media or facetime. And I was trying to be the best support posssible, reminding her of how much I love her and how beautiful and increibdle I think she is (which by now, I know many of you might think that it´s bullshit) but it isn´t. Nothing is just black or white.
It was very hard for her all of this separation. For both of us. We just copped with it differently. And we complained a lot with each other about how we behaved. Socially and culturally I know my actions where much bigger than hers and less acceptable. The “bad” thing about dedicating your life to learn and understand things at new and more conscious levels is that you can tell how misunderstood you´re being. How much someone is not getting why you do what you do, or how the meaning they give it is a totally different one from the one that made you do “X”, “Y” or “Z” in the first place. But I also was not very understanding of her. I complained about her going cold on me or (as stupid as it might sound) not giving me any more “likes” on facebook or instagram, in order to giver herself space. And also “liking” or “loving” pictures or posts of other guys, like ex romances or dudes she had been interested in, which in most cases automatically made me create this ideas in my head about how she was probably talking to them or even looking forward to seeing them, if she hadn´t already. She didn´t know about my casual experiences because I didn´t think it was right nor kind to tell her. I knew how difficult all it was being for her with her family and friends and didn´t want to give her a bigger punch in the heart, because of the very unique interpretations that men and women have about sex, which made me even more doubtful of telling her because of the fear of her doing the same, or being done with me forever. And even though we had basically agreed to do whatever we wanted, and we knew we were free, deep down inside, we didn´t want to lose each other. I wanted the option of being with her. So yes, I was a pussy. The only thing I told her without her asking me, was about me going out a few times with a girl with whom I would´ve kept going out because I genuinly liked her. And even though after she asked me, I ended up also telling her about having had sex with 4 different girls in like a month and a half, she was way more hurt by me going out with a girl that I liked than by my casual experiences. This whole situation kind of made her colder with me, she distanced herself even more. And whenever she did, I would go after her. I would use the “power” of words to influence her behaviours, which she more than once, referred to as manipulation, and mentioned I was a great manipulator, which to be honest with you, just like I´ve intended to be here, I always received that as a good compliment. But it´s not always been so smooth. Sometimes I went into stalker, anxiety and jealousy mode. And she did too. I got mini panic attacks and I would reproach her. And she would reproach me, whenever she thought I was “dating” this girl I liked. It was chaotic. But you know what chaos is, an order that is not being comprehended. It was a back and forth of direct and indirect reproaches and discussions but at the same time, ever since we “stopped” being together, we also showed how much we loved and cared for each other, had “virtual” sex a couple of times and all and shared with each other things we were living regarding work, family and friends. A fucking rollercoaster just like if we had never broke up.
In one of my stalking moments I noticed she´d tagged a guy on facebook, in my knowledge, a couple of times. A guy who I know she´d hang out with many times before but thought because of his look, energy, and interests (which we can tell of nearly anyone by looking at their instagram pictures) he was a gay friend or no one to be “worried” about. And after asking her who he was and if she was going out with him or had already kissed him or fucked him, she said that yes. That a few days earlier she´d kissed him and were talking daily. Of course, my not very Dalai Lama part of my brain responded with sadness, dissapointment and anger, specially because both her and I will be going in November to a personal transformation event in San Jose California, which I incited her to enroll to while we were together and to which I got a confirmation to be a part of as a crew member, for which I´m excited but also afraid of how it´s going to be when we see each other.
My intense reaction to her regarding this guy (which she may date or have sex with, if she didn´t already or she may with somebody else) made her react towards me and tell me in a very intense way that it´s done with me. That she doesn´t want to know anything about me anymore. Which I now will respect. Hoping she´ll do the same if I soon start dating another girl that I really like, which after 7 girls that I´ve casually fucked since our break up, and a few others I´ve met with as friends, and going out with someone I was genuinly interested in, I can say that no amount of sex, at least not in my case, makes you really feel better. It just covers the real problems we have related to our value and our worth.
After 2 and a half months of going through this needed emotional process that´s part of life and which we should all allow ourselves to go through without being so hard on each other, daily thinking about her, not being very productive, feeling like shit a lot of times, preocuppied about her seeing other guys, liking them, loving them, fucking them, I don´t feel that worried right now nor do I when I remember the truth. The truth about the perfection of things. The truth about who I am. The truth about what we´ve created together and we´re taking forever with us. The truth about how everything´s guided, the things we love and the things that hurt us. My work in progress right now is to become more detached of her and the things that she chooses to do or the feelings she feels. To connect more deeply to empowering meanings of situations and not stupid ones. Meanings that make me feel good. Meanings that get me moving in the direction I want and I´m capable of. Because nothing really has any meaning, except that which you choose to give it. To feel very free and at peace with myself while loving her in one way or another, no matter what.