I want to be a Queen

The last ten months for me have left me feeling sore, inadequate, self-loathing, bitter and hopeless.

After going through with the pain, I realised I want to be a Queen.

But not the type of Queen you’d think of.

For as long as I’ve heard about women empowerment, I’ve envisioned a certain idea of strong independent women, never letting a boy get in their way, strutting in their beautiful dresses and stilettos.

And as I held this picture, I thought to myself “I am not a Queen.” I left myself feeling mediocre, a characteristic I believed was meant for me. I watched women everywhere walk with a certain character trait that I couldn’t quite pin down.

“What is it,” I asked myself “that makes them so incredible and why can’t I have that?”

I held this question with a frustration that fueled my self-hatred.

But staying in this rut could not last forever.

I decided I want to be my own kind of Queen.

I want to be a Queen but not the kind that walks around in 6-inch heels and red lipstick.

I want to be the kind of Queen that trips over her own sneakers, barefaced, laughing at her own awkwardness.

I want to be the kind of Queen that reads and writes poetry about the earth, the sky and human nature.

I want to be the kind of Queen that shows gentleness to everyone she sees, regardless of similarities and differences.

I want to be the kind of Queen that allows herself to break when necessary and naturally piece herself back together.

I want to be the kind of Queen that is unstoppable, gliding tsunamis with grace.

I want to be the kind of Queen that does not change into a foreign character but becomes more of herself.

I want to be the kind of Queen that dares to dream in her surreal kingdom.

I want to be the kind of Queen that roams the city late at night in her grey hoodie and black suede boots with an unquenchable thirst for adventure.

I want my reign to be filled with candles, sunsets, fairy lights, graphic tees, brown eyes, toothy smiles and a spectrum of emotion.

I ask to be simple, gentle and radiant with passion. And in my spontaneous decision to become a Queen, I became one.

To be patient with myself, to treat myself like I want to be treated, and to have an unwavering faith in true beauty is my own coronation and the crown shall be carved with humble confidence of Daisies and rose petals.

I wish to love myself for who I am, wild imperfections and dazzling strengths, and while that is still a long way down the road, my acceptance to be patient is already a sign I have begun my journey.

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