To be worthy of love
Special thanks to Farhan. Thanks for loving me when I wasn’t so lovable.
If we were to talk in a logical form, then no, I am not worthy of love. Perhaps it is the possessiveness that is created when I am attached to somebody, or the intensity of my love for that person. Maybe it’s because deep down, I’m damaged or it could be the fact that I tend to push people away, especially when I’m at my worst. Either way, when I am in a bad position in my life I turn into this unlovable person and if someone were to love me knowing this, they would be irrational.
But that’s what love is, isn’t it? It lacks logic. To love is to love beyond reason. It isn’t turning a blind eye towards the flaws, but rather looking at the person as whole, comprised of strengths and weaknesses. I’ve always had this perception that for me to be worthy of love, my weaknesses shouldn’t be so bad (if not entirely non existent), but they are. And why should that mean I am not worthy of love? Why should my down days, my obsessive behaviour and my outbursts of anger mean I am not worthy of love? These are ugly traits, but they are real. I am a real person, whole with beautiful characteristics as well as twisted traits, and I am not the only one. Many of you who are reading this may have characteristics that aren’t considered to be worthy of love. Maybe you push people away. Maybe you love too intensely. Maybe you’re suffering from your own demons. Whatever it is, you are still worthy of love. Regardless of your past mistakes and your strange flaws, you are worth being loved.
“What is love? — It’s like you become more you. Which normally is like… *funny faces*… But now it’s okay… because the person, like, whoever, they chose to take all that on. All that weird stuff. Whatever’s wrong or bad or hiding in you. Suddenly it’s alright. You don’t feel like such a freak anymore.” — Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren
To love is to look at a person as a whole, and still cherish them. You choose to be there with them everyday, even as you go through your down days. When you love someone and they show you nothing but darkness, you look for the light, without hesitation and without condition.
It is strange how we say the words “unconditional love” as if any other form of love is acceptable; as if to love with conditions can be considered to be “love”. We take what we get, in fear that we will not receive the love we hope we deserve, and when the relationship crashes and burns, we blame ourselves for not being “good enough”. Well let me tell you this: you are good enough. You may be wracking your brains wondering what you could have done different to save the relationship, to make them care more about you, but if you want the truth, you did nothing wrong. You may be “messy” or “too much” but that is who you truly are. That is who we all are. As humans, we are fundamentally messy, fragile, flawed and difficult to love. I think that’s real. You don’t want someone who’s perfect, you want someone who’s real.
“Love is a flame that burns everything other than itself. It is the destruction of all that is false and the fulfillment of all that is true.” — Adyashanti
When in a relationship with someone, you will get intimate with them. By this I mean becoming the real version of yourself by sharing your secrets and sorrows with them the way you’ve never done before. Everything that is hiding inside of you will come out because you’ve taken off your layers. You no longer have your guard up because you’re vulnerable, and you are the truest version of yourself. And imperfection is expected. Not to say that there are some things we shouldn’t work on as we are never done growing, but to love should be done without condition. Each and every messy side to you is real and is also worth gentleness and care. Because love isn’t earned. It isn’t a business transaction. It is given without any sort of expectations or demands.
So yes, you are worthy of love, with your little quirks and maddening flaws. You are a beautiful soul who will experience a life changing sort of love, and when it comes I hope you will embrace it as it is. Keep in mind it will never be logical, but it will heal you. You will change in a way which makes you more of yourself. And I hope you will accept it with courage.