Why I Stay Up Late

When the world isn’t watching me…

Right now I am fighting sleep. Seriously. My Zoloft has me extraordinarily tired right now. And I know that the healthy thing to do is go to sleep. But I don’t want to sleep right now.

You see, when I sleep I dream of my mom. And my mom hates me right now. I am her daughter who has lied and manipulated her for my entire life. And it sucks. I have broken her heart on more than one occasion. And now she won’t return my calls. She won’t answer me when I text. It has been almost a month since she has replied. And it sucks. And we used to talk everyday.

But this isn’t the place for diaries. So I won’t continue to drone on about that.

But at night I dream. I love sleep. I love sleep so much that I sleep until around 2pm every day. Every single day. And I love it. I LOVE SLEEP.

I love sleep more than I like being awake. I don’t have a day job. I just sleep. All the time. And I write. I am a freelance writer. So my late sleeping and my late nights don’t affect my job past the point of no return.

And people ask me if I am depressed. How the hell am I supposed to know? I just like to sleep. Yeah; there are days when I have contemplated suicide. I ended up in a behavioral hospital for threatening suicide. And they didn’t help me at all. They just pinned me in a facility and treated me like a kindergartener for 5 days. And then I convinced them to send me home.

I don’t understand why I am here most days. But I only contemplate suicide when I base my worth on other people’s opinions of me. So I choose not to care about others’ opinions. I will choose to be happy, even if that means sleeping until 2pm everyday. I am an introvert. I like to sleep. And I like late nights alone.

And that’ s me. So fuck off.