fuck yea, bacon

based on the truest story

i don’t understand anything. i mean, i do. i understand some things. but maybe i don’t. maybe i understand zero things. for starters, i really don’t understand why we have to start each sentence off with an uppercase letter. isn’t the punctuation mark after the previous sentence a good enough indication that that sentence was over and a new one is beginning? i hate uppercase letters. if they had personalities, i’m sure they would think they’re so much better than lowercase letters, and that’s shitty. they’re bullies. they’re terrible. uppercase letters live in fancy houses while secretly hating their lives and lowercase letters are just like “hello hi here’s my little wooden shack be my friend life is wonderful yay!” also, apparently lowercase letters don’t know anything about punctuation according to that last sentence. anyway. i just want to yell fuck off to uppercase letters, but then that would make me insane. yelling at living beings that can or cannot hear you is one thing. yelling at inanimate objects is also pretty acceptable. but yelling at 26 uppercase letters for being punk ass bitches is fully psychotic. which i am. so i guess everything here makes perfect sense - me defending 26 helpless lowercase letters. and who knows. maybe the UCLs aren’t even jerks. that’s right. i just gave them an acronym nickname because i can. uppercase letters are the UCLs so you could probably imagine what the acronym nickname for lowercase letters are. LCLs? WRONG. if you thought they were the LCLs you’re missing the fucking point. they’re the lcls. but anyway, as i was saying, maybe they’re not jerks. maybe the UCLs are just like, older and more responsible, trying to hold the hands of a few youngsters crossing the street, being all “Okay here we go. I’ve got you all! You’re safe with me!” the O, the I, and the Y would all be the letters leading the younger letters safely across the road, in this particular scenario. why are letters even crossing the road? i don’t fucking know. i really don’t. and i also don’t know what UCLs are really like, i’m just making assumptions. something i guess i shouldn’t do. but i do. we all do. well, most likely not in regards to how different sized letters act together in a social setting, but we all make assumptions and judgments on everything. i guess what i’m trying to say is: we’re all fucked up. some more than others. i’m not quite sure which end of the spectrum i fall but i can almost guarantee i wouldn’t be proud to find out where my spot on the spectrum is. regardless, i’m going to stick with my first intuition and believe UCLs are dickheads.