Broken Hearts and Sleepless Nights
When you’re dealing with a broken heart, your world feels fragile. As if each step you take can unravel your entire existence. People deal with loss in different ways. I’m not entirely sure what my way is.
Needing/Getting by Ok Go, is one of my favorite break-up songs, due to how relatable the song is. Right now, I feel like I need my ex but I’m not going to get what I want. You can hope and pray all you want, but when they don’t feel the same way, there’s nothing you can do. You can’t make people change and you can’t force yourself to forget about someone you still love.
My relationship with my ex was continually on and off for three years. Only today have I started understanding why that may be the case between us. I believe the main reason why we didn’t work is, my ex never prioritized me. I was never on top of the list. I was getting crumbs of love and attention, only to feel starved everyday. In every situation I replayed in my head, prioritization was always an overlying problem. I was always begging for attention, I was always waiting and I was always hurting.
We both knew that was the case too. However, slowly and surely, the fights came more frequently and the blame game began. The confusion entered the equation as my ex constantly begged for another compromise or another chance. Unfortunately, I did the same. I offered to be “better” and I offered to bend. However, the bitterness stayed and exponentially grew.
No amount of Adele, Sam Smith or The Script could mend the hurting. I’m still blaming myself. I’m still looking for ways I could be “better”.
The worst part is, my ex saw me hurting and did nothing. It was if there was a wall being built, and as the wall grew taller, we grew more apart. My ex seemed less reactive to my hurting. From August to December of 2015, the fights began. Words upon words waging war. Blames fueled by frustration and anger only pulled us further apart, yet the love we had kept us together for a couple of months longer. December to February, for the couple hours of attention I was given, there was nothing but blaming. Then, we reached a point were my voice was no longer being heard.
I think today, I’m finally done. I’m done with the sleepless nights. I’m done with the hours upon hours of crying. I know, deep down, this is not my fault. My ex was in the wrong for never prioritizing me, for never listening, for always blaming and never truly changing the cold hearted nature of his responses to my heartfelt outcries. Since August, I have always taken him back, but maybe the distance is too far. Maybe he doesn’t love me as much as he says and maybe he’s choosing what’s familiar and comfortable rather than passion, happiness and love.
We made promises, I doubt we can keep them. We planned our futures around each other, but now it’s time to stop. It may be time to let go of each other.
When you truly care about someone, you show it. You use the limited time you have on Earth, and you give your heart, your energy and your love to whoever you please. You listen, you respect and you make efforts to work through problems you may face with your loved ones. You support one another without compromising yourself and who you are.
I’ve lost who I was. I don’t know who I am or who I want to be. It’s an uphill climb, but it’s been a long time a coming.
February 17, 2016 2:55 AM