What it means to just exist.

Right now, I’m sitting in my living room. There is a broken owl teacup holding my mate that I am hoping to force myself to drink so I can keep my mind awake, despite there being no reason, except for existing, that it should be tired. It’s broken as I dropped it previously and it’s ceramic handle cracked in three, but in my stubbornness I refuse to replace it, though it holds nothing but tea to me in these moments. I’m trying to drink the mate so I’ll have the motivation to go to my meditation class tonight, but I just can’t connect in the stillness there yet. I’m not sure why. Somewhere I know it’s partly because I musn’t love myself enough in those aspects to allow for the patience, to realize I deserve that patience and don’t need to do or be anything in those moments. Don’t need to be creating, or succeeding or beleiving. Just existing for myself and only myself in those moments. And that’s something I’m working through, as I’ve placed so much value on the things that come out of my spirit as opposed to the things that lie inside of it which are successful and need nourishing, too. But I’m aware and working through.

There are colored index cards strewn about with not so random words on them spreading topics from how I want to move forward with my health, my finances, my energy and my love. I’ve just left my room, which is a bit in shambles and a bit put together, as I try and gather all the furniture, shelving, lighting and decorative elements that I think will allow it to become my space. My space where I can create forms of artistic expression and new energy through music, and writing, and typography and all different forms of physical and metaphysical creating. I had begun to get frustrated after hours of trying to organize to only realize I still don’t quite yet have the space or the means to create as so I desire. The only thing at this moment I have is time, as I don’t have work this week. Which I thought was all I needed to get that kick in the butt I needed to align my actions to my desires, and I took that as an opportunity to re-structure my life and what is important to me in terms of living and how I want to live as a spirit in this world. However, now, I’ve hit a wall. Also quite literally as there are just SO MANY WALLS in my space and clearly inside of my body that I can’t quite hit with the right nail to pierce without it breaking and crumbling onto the ground. Time wasn’t apparently all I needed.

I change locations to the living room. There is more light in there.

I brood over the fact that the hours are rapidly passing and all I want to do is create with them and in them, but having the patience to both gather the means and learn the skills to be able to express is a poignant one in my life right now. I am having amazing work come out in the form of my writing, but I haven’t dedicated the time or means to elevate it with a proper platform and online or phsyical prescence. I have wonderful lyrics and melodies and a beautiful guitar, but no method to bring the two together. I’ve got this space in my mind that I want to build in my room, but don’t know the proper method to do it. I need some teachers.

Amongst this sultry mood that I don’t really want to hold any space for, I realize that I am the only person who doesn’t have the patience to figure out how to complete these tasks. And my whole job, being a production coordinator, is to know how to complete tasks. But this is a new kind of task. This is a task of my life and thus it cannot be perfectly planned with A and B and C options, and fit into a specific space and time. This new task is taking the way I’ve previously dealt with and arranged my time and life, and putting it into a place where I can both seek what I need and then act upon it, knowing little by little it will get organized. It will get stronger. And though I am frustrated that my space isn’t coming together as quickly or as nicely as I pictured, it is a form of creation in itself and I need to find the patience.

I guess I’m just realizing that I am at this super transitional point of my life where I am realizing what forms and methods I’ve been living my life in and as. And whether those things are aligned to the truths and values and the way I would like to live that I’ve been discovering inside of myself. That have always been inside of myself and are affected and illuminated at each and every new experience. But what is the balance of letting go and holding on? Where does that exist inside of myself and in this world around me that manifests based on these truths?

I know I want to share with the world. I know I want to express in ways that can bring people tears from laughter, and growth from sadness. I want to be able to be financially stable and operate from wherever in the world I want to reside. I want to interact. I want to connect. I want to lead. I want to, and am doing, all of these very things, but am getting caught up in the details of space and time on making it all happen. Caught in the planning. Instead of the doing, and the being. This I know and am aware of, and can’t seem to rewire, yet. I know I need to just make space and time to start, but I feel like that starting needs to be this perfect space to allow for whatever can be created to be created. A perfect room to do it in. Perfect physical things to create with. Perfect amount of time and space to do it in. When secretly in my heart, and hiding away from my own self, is the truth that none of those things are needed for the creation. Only the creation is needed, and starting to do it. Starting to express. Upon that, the rest of the things will fall into place because that “starting” of whatever it is that aligns with your most genuine truths and desires will bring out and create all of the other neccesary things for it to grow. By putting my energy and love into that, it will allow for more space to be created for it. Just like the plants that provide for the air we breathe, it will attract in and manifest the things it needs to grow. We just need to give it a chance to appear and not get caught up in finding all the things to allow it to be fostered once that occurs, before we even give it a chance to be present in our lives. And finding the patience to realize this is catching on my mind like webbing on the thorns amongst the roses in the garden of my body and my heart. Twisting and catching all the things that try and impose itself upon it. When really, all it needs is some time for the strands to grow brittle and break, floating into the air, to find a new home or dissolve amongst the trees.

Where is this patience I seek? All I know is do, do, do. And I do it well. I know how to rest and relax this is true, but I find I am both extremes in any given moment in my life and never the balance. It’s taken me this far in this passage to realize that I am even breathing. That I am living right in this moment here, with my keyboard and the countless eyes who may or may not be reading these words. I’m living right in this moment here creating space for my expression without the environment being some perfect place in some perfect time. For there is no “perfect”. And really, there is no “time” either. Just a construct in my head that allows me to view and process this plane I exist upon.

All I want is to remove the clutter. Remove it to another side where I can access it when the time for those pieces of the puzzle is right. When the time for those pieces to fit it aligned. But right now, I’m trying to figure out the pieces right in the center of this picture of my life that is building up and up with every moment I exist.

I exist.

Now, what to do with that existance? I know I know the truth of it. And I know the universe does too. I breathe in the air and try and relax and realize all will work out. But sometimes, sometimes, I just want to be held by someone in this space of love and truth I feel and just have them whisper, “There is nothing you need to be. There is nothing you need to do. Just exist, and it will become. It will all be okay. It will all be okay. It will all be okay.”