It has been brought to my attention lately that there are two types of people when it comes to personal power. There are those that have it, crave it, want more of it. And there are those that believe they have no power over themselves or anything in their lives.

I have been the latter for 33 years.

Someone said to me recently that the reason for doing something that hurt me was that they craved power. I loved that they owned it. Some people don’t even know that they have that problem. But it got me thinking as to…

I see you, child. And you are loved. I wish I could scoop you up now and tell you it’ll be okay. Me, almost about 2, 1989.

Thirty three years it took for me to realize how dangerous my mother was to my health. There were many times in my life where I knew something was terribly wrong, but I didn’t act. Just like an abuser, even if I got angry and threatened, there was always a way to reel me back. Especially with money. My mother financially ruined me in order to keep me close. She never expected I would walk away.

Covert incest is essentially the act of a parent treating you like a spouse or significant other instead of a child.

I would have…

There is so much uncertainty right now. This country is diseased. It is sick with greed, racism, privilege and, oh, who can forget coronavirus? An actual illness.

Needless to say if you are coming of age right now you are probably wondering what you are going to do with your life. Does your dream job still exist? The business you want to open, is it worth opening right now? Will you be forced to choose a safe career that will never run out of positions?

Even if you aren’t coming of age… I’m thirty three and I just dropped out…

A poem about me by a dear old friend and mentor, Lori Howsare. One of the people who has still remained by me.

I woke up today. I brushed my teeth and loaded the dishwasher. I folded laundry and took a shower. And for a modicum of time, I felt like a wife and a mother.

Not someone with mental illness. Not someone who feels alone in a crowded room. Not someone who can’t get out of their own way.

And then, of course, like a ton of bricks it hit me and I melt into the couch. This time it is triggered as I am listening to my husband get advice from his mother. It is in these moments I am reminded…

Adult Children Dealing with Toxic Parents

Last week I got some of the best news I have gotten in a while: I am pregnant with my second child and my husband’s first. This is something that we wanted. This is something that I was prepared for this time around. But it leaves me remembering the impact my first pregnancy had on me mentally… and what it taught me about my mother, which has only morphed over the years into the full realization that she is, in fact, a toxic part of my life.

I have been looking for the escape for years before my firstborn but…

How Neurodiverse Lovers Find Peace in One Another

My husband and I taking a moment together to break down just before moving day this year.

I have been very vocal about my life before I met my husband. Many know that I was an alcoholic. Many know that I was suffering with unchecked mental illness. Many know I battled drug addiction and severe anxiety. And with every person I let in passed that veil of my illnesses, there was such a calculated risk on my part. The cycle repeated itself so many times; fall in love, realize that you are “too much”, realize too late that they are a reflection of that, break up, repeat. Letting people in had become difficult. Who believed you? Who…

Unknown photographer or people in the photo. If you do know, let me know.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” J.R.R. Tolkien

I always find myself returning to Tolkien when things in the world seem to grey.

Whether it be my own microcosm or Planet Earth as a whole, there is something to learn from those stories. There is a parallel of simplicity and complexity that runs the course…

A message from my daughter.

There comes a point where it all crashes down on you. It always does. But are you prepared for it?

This can be a broad conversation with what is going on in the world these days but I will keep it close to home. No reminders of the big C necessary.

I am radicalized by the complete truth for the first time in my life. Devoted to what I need, first, and learning the proper balances for everything else. I am working towards a life I want while doing things I need to do in the moment. Which is what…

We all say, “This is only temporary” usually to calm one’s mind. It would seem however lately that the absence of permanence is striking fear into the hearts of so many. And I don’t blame them.

This is not a time for pushing against the grain. I am learning that I have spent a majority of my life doing just that. The stress in my back is the stress from the push and pull dance I have done in the name of protecting or saving or stabilizing others. …

An Essential Worker’s Fears and Hopes

Last week it took a pandemic and the idea that it would come down to me or someone who did not smoke for a ventilator that made me quit smoking. Also last week, we entered the officially brand spanking new territory that completely rips us all out of our comfort zones. It is like when Sam Gamgee realizes how far from home he is. We are now in uncharted waters and there are sharks we can’t see. Weapons we can’t feel until it is too late.

As this unfolds I am seeing both sides. I see the world outside morph…

Alyssa Catapano

Writer. Painter. Witch. Alcoholic. Hippie. Sober. Happy. BPD survivor. Check out my memoir:

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