Hello, Anxiety. It’s Me Again.

Photo by Rhodora Espiritu

It was after I had given my first talk in front of an audience filled with familiar faces and faces of strangers that I immediately went into an emotional breakdown.

I had felt so much love in those moments, a moment that had only lasted half an hour but felt like a millisecond. I felt my heart race and my head pound as nerves shot through my whole body. With any event or occasion mishaps happen, and I knew that. But it felt like everything that could go wrong, went completely wrong. Maybe it was just me, but I felt so many emotions that once I opened my mouth and words would come out, I honestly couldn’t even recall anything I said or if it made any sense. Then people asked questions and I don’t even know if I even answered them properly. I thought these feelings arrived from the nervousness and the overwhelming moments leading up to my own talk, you know, stage fright. After the talk it was all a blur to me, but my friends assured me I did a great job.

I brushed off all of the emotions I’ve held but here I am post talk and the day before a big event I had planned for 3 months crying at my computer trying to put together the final touches of a Coffee & Convos post, but I cannot summon the energy to do so. I’ve battled with anxiety my whole life. And I thought I had handled it well as I’ve dealt with it on my own and in my own silence.

I can’t help but wonder, is this how I’m going to feel like the rest of my life? I’m in pursuit of my dreams and these incredibly opportunities have been arriving tenfold to make these dreams a reality and I should be happy! And I really am, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been but the same time I feel like I’m missing something. I feel like I’m on the road to building my happiness and success, but with that comes these road blocks of feelings I can’t describe of sadness and heartache that are all just things made up in my head. I’ve gone through this before and I thought after I’ve overcome these feelings in the past that it would be easier to deal with if it were to occur again. I was wrong.

I feel broken. And honestly, I’m fucking terrified. I don’t want to feel like this all the time. I don’t want to have these fears and doubts and feelings of anxiousness and nerves eat at me inside when things in my life are going SO WELL. It’s kind of ironic to me, that my anxiety comes from moments I should be happy about.

I guess this is just a reminder to me that I can’t ignore my anxiety. And I have to remind myself that it’s okay to not be okay even when things are pretty fucking okay. These feelings… They’re only temporary. And tomorrow is a new day. And THE day. And it’s an opportunity for me to grow from this.

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