I Am, and I Am Not

I am not the kind of person who will regret a drama that happened.

I am not the kind of person who will blame you, or me, or anybody else for what happened. Because I know its just gotta happen.

I am not the kind of person who let things go at fights because I was tired. I seek rationality, in me, in you, in everyone. I stand up for myself.

I am not the kind of person who give up when things got complicated.

I am not the kind of person who separate from people with hatred and not getting things clear.

I don’t regret.

I don’t blame.

I don’t let things go.

I don’t give up.

I don’t hate.

I am a wise lady to take lessons from every drama that the world gave to me.

But with you, I am none of them.

I regret opening myself up for you. I regret letting you break down my walls. I regret ignoring everything that could happen while I already think about it. I regret trusting you and your words. I regret giving feedbacks for your affections and bullshits. I regret that I feel the butterflies on my stomach everytime you make me feel loved. I regret being comfortable with you.

I regret that I started all of these fucking things with you.

I blame both of us. I blame you for showing yourself on my life. I blame you for texting me at the first place. I blame you for catch a feeling towards me. I blame you for begging me to give you a chance. I blame you for playing the reverse psychology to make me trust you. I blame you for dragging me into your fucking love life with her. I blame you for making me fell for you. I blame you for making me comfortable with you. I blame you for making me think that you were different.

And I blame myself, for letting all of those things happen instead of ignore it.

I let things go when it already fucked my mind. I let things go because I know it’ll be pointless. I let things go because you were selfish and stubborn. You seek for rationality too but only from your point of view and anyone point of view, but not mine. I let things go because I was so fucking tired. Tired to hear your curses. Tired to feel hurt with each of your word. Tired with your selfishness. Tired to fill myself with hatred every each seconds we fight. Tired to accept you again and pretend like everything’s fine while its not, while I’ve been hurted. And I was thinking, I couldn’t handle you. And I’m sorry. That must be awful, right? Can’t handle your madness. Seems like a little thing to determine.

But babe, I can’t torture myself with your words against me for the rest of my life. I love myself more than I love you.

I gave up on you because you don’t appreciate me. You don’t appreciate me that I tried. You don’t appreciate my apologies. You don’t appreciate me letting go of things and let you win. You don’t appreciate my trust. You don’t appreciate my feedbacks. You don’t appreciate my faith to let you break down my walls. You don’t.

I gave up on you because you were stubborn and selfish. I hide every bad things about you to make my parents liked you, but you didn’t. Not telling doesn’t mean lying, right? You only blame me while its OUR fault. I made mistakes, but so do you. I apologize for what I did, but you didn’t. I let things go to make the fight stop, but you didn’t. I talk calmly trying not to be mad and curse you, but you didn’t even try. I cried, and you don’t even give a fuck.

I gave up on you because I couldn’t take it anymore. I gotta stand up for myself because you couldn’t stand up for me. I gotta protect myself from being hurted because you couldn’t stop hurting.

I don’t separate from people with hatred. I always try not to keep hatred in myself. And so I am, right now, trying not to hate you. But I did. I still did. I hate you because you pulled me to your ‘relationship’, if you could call it so. I hate you because you did opposite things from what you said to me earlier.

You said we were like bestfriends. You said we could work it out. You said you won’t give up on me. You said things won’t gonna work out anymore with her.

And you fucking came back to her. In a fucking week after we’re over. And you are letting me see it in front of my fucking face. You don’t share our pictures because it wasn’t ‘ethical’ because you just broke up with her? What? You don’t wanna hurt her feelings? Well the whole fucking world is already knew that you were ‘with me’, and in just a fucking week after we’re over you decided to announce it to the world that you’re together again? Don’t you even think about my feelings?

You with your life and me with mine, yeah? Now thats the selfish I knew.

I hate that you make me feel worthless for what you did. I hate you for making me try to change who I am for you. I hate you for making me trust you. I hate you for making me feel unappreciated. I hate you, for hurting me the most just now.

I am none of who I was. And it wasn’t because I changed myself for you. But because you are not the right person. You meant something, but you are not the right person. You don’t boost me. You make me trust you but you don’t make me have faith in you. I am none of who I was because you dropped me down. And I’m letting you did it.

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