Numb

Three more classes.

Two more passing periods.

Calculate.

Only 160

more minutes.

“Stay calm.

You do this every day.”

But how?

The parking lot.

Oh no

I

hate

the parking lot.

So many cars.

So many things that could go

so wrong.

I Stop.

Stare.

Paralyzed.

Numbed.

Thinking about everything

10 times before I do it.

I can’t mess up.

Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up.

Let me count my money

once more.

$3.56

$3.56

$3.56

Maybe once more to make sure.

$3.56

You can never be too sure, right?

Wrong.

So wrong.

Passing periods

almost as hard as the parking lot.

Do not make eye contact.

Do not wave.

They might not notice.

They will think I’m weird.

I don’t know them well enough

to wave.

Maybe smile.

“You look so happy in the halls!”

No No No No.

Please do not say that.

It is not okay to feel this way.

No Wave.

Just Smile.

No Words.

Just Smile.

That’s what they like to see.

It’s just enough.

Get from

Second to third period.

No,

I can’t find another route.

Face him.

Tell him.

Tell him about the pain he causes.

No.

Just flash a warm smile.

Everything will pass.

His mind will change.

My heart beat will steady

again.

Football games?

Those are supposed to be fun?

“Do you want to go with me?”

No, I don’t feel well.

“Maybe next week.”

Next week I’ll have the flu.

The week after, probably pneumonia.

Yeah, I don’t think I can go.

Sorry.

Excuses.

A girl in the hall brushes past me,

hits my arm with a thud.

I get so angry.

Then I remember.

It’s just a touch.

It’s just an accident.

Two more periods.

Then I can leave.

Relief.

I get to see my best friend.

Take a deep breath.

Take a nap.

Forget about him.

Forget about school.

No anxiety for

two hours.

Relief.

Sleep.

Worry.

And Repeat.