Un-happy Birthday To Me
It’s May 22.
Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?
Just another day on the calendar, right?
Well, it isn’t. It might be to you, but that’s my birthday we’re talking about here.
Not like I’m excited about it or anything. It's supposed to be a special day, a day where I’m reminded of my relevance in people’s lives and be grateful for life, but the thing is… I don’t feel special.
Quite the contrary actually.
I wasn’t always this way, you know. I used to look forward to my birthday, counting up till the very hour the clock chimes midnight, signifying the dawn of a new age.
Now I just can’t wait for the day to be over, the dreary day and the sickening feeling that comes with it.
If I try to trace this birthday gloom to where it started, I’d land right on May 22, 2020 – the year of the awakening, when our lives where changed forever by the Covid-19 *cough* plandemic.
It’s been three years and the memories of that day is still etched in my brain like that one annoying itch on your back your fingers can’t seem to reach.
I laid on the floor in my father’s living room, eyes glazed over and lips quivering with silent sobs as I read through the birthday wishes slowly trickling into my phone. You’d think my eyes were spilling with tears of joy and gratitude, but a closer look into my vacant eyes would let you know that is far from the truth.
The thing is, I didn’t believe a single thing I read.
They are lying.
They don’t love me…how could they?
More lies.
And lies.
And lies.
Every one of them felt like lies!
These voices taunted me with doubt, and for every birthday wish I read, I curled up into a ball and wept for not being able to really appreciate them from my heart.
Depressing, I know but that wasn’t even the worst. I got a birthday gift and mom wouldn’t stop scolding me about it, suspiciously prodding me with questions that made me so pissed that I was this close to returning the gift.
You’d think it was something as lavish as an iPhone or a Benz, but it was simply a dress and a shoe!
Well, that was the icing on the cake to my birthday blues and I guess I just spiraled downhill from there.
Today, I tried hard to be excited, but I felt nothing. Not gratitude, not joy, not sadness, maybe a sprinkle of anger but that’s about it. I had zero expectations, and they were met in full, if you get what I mean.
Do you think I enjoy feeling like this? I really want to change but I’m not sure how to go about it.
Have I numbed my feelings to the point where nothing excites me anymore? I miss my childhood wonder. I was pretty easy to impress, and the smallest of gestures made me bubble with excitement.
Now I lay down, this time not on my father’s living room floor but on the cold tiles of the balcony, wondering why the one day I am supposed to feel special and loved is leaving me angry and empty.
Maybe your 50 claps would make me feel better…maybe not. I hope you don’t end up like me, dreading the day you were born instead of basking in the euphoria it brings.
