10 things I’ve been dying to tell you:
1. I may have everybody else fooled — saying I’m completely over you and I’m so much happier now — but I can not fool myself. I often find myself reminiscing our memories, going through conversations that we’ve had or events that we’ve shared. I’m not crying anymore, but I’m not happy either. I’m just empty without you. And emptiness weighs the most.
2. I didn’t expect to fall in love. Nor did I want to. I tried my best to not get attached. I’ve gotten hurt so many times before and I was determined to not fall into the same trap again. But god, as days became weeks, and weeks became months, I grew to be completely and irresistably in love with you. I loved you more than I loved myself, and that is where I went wrong.
3. I think part of the reason we didn’t work was because you wanted smooth sailing and I was a tsunami. My problem is overthinking things. I overanalyze every detail, partly because that’s just what I do, but mostly because I didn’t want to lose you.
4. No, I am not your closest girl friend. I am not your prettiest, funniest, or longest-known friend. I am not special, but in some ways I am. I am beautiful in my own way. I am funny in my own sense. Most importantly, I am memorable. At least I should have been. So tell me why I wasn’t good enough. Tell me why I wasn’t worth mentioning to your friends about. Ever since we stopped talking, my 3am thoughts are surrounded by this question. Why wasn’t I good enough?
5. My mom has been asking about you non-stop. About every other day, she asks, “How is he doing?” Sometimes, I tell her made-up conversations we had. I hate lying to her, but it sure beats telling her that after everythung we had, we are hardly even friends now. Most of the time though, I just smile and say, “He’s doing great!” Every time I do, however, I have to resist adding “without me” to the end of it.
6. For countless days after we ended, I fell asleep with tear stained pillows and woke up with puffy eyes. It is still so hard to believe that everything is gone, and we’ll probably never have a chance to do the things we promised we would.
7. I am completely honest when I say that the 5 months we had together was the best time of my life. I’ve never felt that way about anyone. You were the highlight of my day, night, and every minute in between.
8. I can no longer listen to “Summerthing!” without thinking of us — how it was our song. I can’t look at a blue sky without remembering how your voice was the soundtrack of my summer. God damn it, I even took down the christmas lights in my room because it reminded me of the brightly lit Palo Alto plaza on our first date.
9. Every time I feel happy, sad, or angry, I immediately think of sharing it with you out of habit. Sadly, I have to remember that things are different now, and you no longer care how I’m feeling.
10. I miss you. So much. I miss your voice, your eyes, your hugs, your kisses, everything. I hope you miss me too. Even if things never go back to the way they were, I hope you remember us, and how we had it all during the summer. I sure as hell know I will.