She passed the blunt to her right as her head started to spin. She knew she was doing too much because she could feel every shot of alcohol she had churn in her stomach. She wanted to puke but she couldn’t and frankly the weed helped slowly suppress that nauseating feeling. She circled her eyes around the table while taking in every detail of each person sitting there. The drug taking over her brain and giving her what seemed to feel like super powers. She pretended to listen to their conversations but secretly had her own discussion going on in her head. “They always blamed me for being a alcoholic and a drug addict even though I hardly touched this shit. Sending me away for almost 4 years and taking my teenage years away. Even though I told them I only touch Marijuana a few times and never was drunk a day in my life… they didn’t believe me. Nope. Now look at me… this is drunk. This is high. Are you happy now Mom and Dad!?” She knew that no one could hear her thoughts but she felt like the whole world was tuning in. Her heart begin to ache again… ‘4 years. 4 damn years and they finally want me back home!’ She poured another shot and chugged it down knowing she has gone way too far. Her friend came to her side and said, “ You need to stay here tonight. You are too drunk and my Mom will know and kill me. My friends will drop you off at my house in the morning.” She helped her into the bedroom where there was a couch and she laid her down. She knew she took way too many drinks but she didn’t want to be left here with people she didn’t know. She tried getting the words out as best as she could but it was as if your lips were losing feeling. “Don’t leave me!” she begged with the little strength she had. Her friend replied “See, you can barely talk! My Mom will know and we will both get in trouble. Just stay here until you sober up and then you can come to my house.”
A tear went down her cheek but that one tear seemed to take every ounce of energy she had left in her body and the world started to go black. She fell asleep on that couch with what seemed like the world spinning around her. This was a familiar feeling accept this felt a lot more realistic. For almost 4 years she thought of herself as a frozen sculpture. She would envision herself being in NYC on a very busy street. She was frozen but she could hear and see everyone rushing to work, going to school, cars driving by as their parents took them to soccer practice or cheerleading. Mom’s and dad’s walking by with their little ones hand tightly wrapped in theirs. She could hear the happiness in people’s voices, smiles and plans of how their day was going to go. But she couldn’t move or talk back to them. All she could do was stand there and wish that someone would come along with hot water and unfreeze her so she could live a life like everyone else. Why couldn’t she just be like everyone else?!
That night it felt just like that. She laid there frozen as his body climbed on top of her. She knew what was starting to happen because her brain was taking it all in and for the first time she wished she could just shut it off. He begin to kiss her cheek and slowly moved to her neck. She wanted him to stop but why couldn’t she make him?
She laid there as he took over her body. She yelled at herself inside, “Why did you drunk so much you dumbass!?” She thought maybe he would just kiss her and realize she was too drunk to even respond and that he would find it a lost cause and stop. But he didnt.
He slid his hand under her shirt and grabbed her breast and slowly started to pull her breast out of her bra and pull her shirt up over it. She could feel his weight increase on her chest as he came forward on her and started sucking her nipple. “Stop!” But he didn’t stop. She must of yelled it in her brain because if she said it out loud he would of stopped, right?
Everything kept going black and she would keep waking up with him in a different position or with more clothes of hers unraveled. She was scared of her next black out… what if she woke up from the next blackout and he was inside her?
She started to slowly become more aware and functional as she woke up to her hand on his penis. She used the little strength she had to clench her hands so that he couldn’t keep placing it into her palm. She felt like she screamed “stop” with the amount of energy she used but she only whispered “stop” to him. He finally spoke and said “You know you don’t want me to.”
She started to cry internally. Why can’t I move? Why can’t I get him off of me? Come on Amanda! Push him! Don’t become another statistic.
She tried pushing him off off her but he grabbed on to her arms and brought himself closer on top of her. The last thing she heard before she blacked out again was him giggling as he unzipped her pants.
She woke up in horrible pain as he thrusted his fingers inside of her. He would slide his dick up and down her leg as he forcefully penetrated her with his fingers that seemed like daggers.
She realized what was going on and this time she awoke with a force that she didn’t think she had inside her.
“STOP!” She screamed.
He kept going though and she started to cry but used the last of her air to scream one last time.
“I fucking said stop!”
Again, he kept going but it was as if God answered her prayers. A guy from across the room had gotten up and push him off of her. She was so exhausted from screaming that she laid there almost lifeless but she could hear the Angel tell the other guy, “She told you to stop man, so you stop.” and the guy replied “OK, ok. Chill.”
After she felt him go down to the floor, she started crying and blacked out again. The next time she woke up, the sun broke through the windows into broken pieces of light all over the room. But something unfixable was similarly shattered too, her soul.