10 TIPS FOR TROLLING YOUR TRUMP SUPPORTING RELATIVES THIS THANKSGIVING- 2018 Edition

I wrote one of these last year and it still stands, but let’s be real, this is Trump’s America and that means things have gotten decidedly worse, so here is your update!!

Per usual, I am going to start with a disclaimer: Prioritize self care.

Stand your ground, but only provoke as much as you feel safe and comfortable. Remember, there is no law that you have to attend family functions, nor do you have to stay once you are there.

If you need to leave please do. Your friend Amanda got a flat on the side of the road and needs your expert tire changing and driving skills ASAP. I promise to back you up if asked… and thanks so much for coming to my rescue.

The troll levels on these will vary from simple and poignant to elaborate. All should piss off your racist Great Aunt “Build-A-Wall” and Uncle “Guns-Are-People-Too.”

1. Donate to Native American charities

Such as https://www.narf.org

This is always my number 1. Thanksgiving is a celebration whose foundation is the genocide of a people we STILL mistreat to this day. It is lovely to take a day to focus on gratitude and all the wonderful people and things we have in our lives, but we need to stay aware that this “holiday” cost lives.

Make a donation in your own name, but THEN make a donation in the names of every guest you have at the table. Give them a print out.

Be ready for Grandpa “All I watch is Fox News” to make a Pocahontas “joke” about Senator Warren. Remind him that Pocahontas was a young girl who was kidnapped and raped. Tell him it’s creepy that he finds that to be an appropriate joke at a family function. There are children present. This is also a great time to bring up any questionable findings you uncovered when you decided to do 23andme on a whim.

2. Make Sure Your Gratitude List is fully loaded.

When it is time to list things you are grateful for begin with, “That we can all sit here together unlike the THOUSANDS of terrified children who are still separated from their parents at the border.” Move on to “Robert Mueller” and end with, “That I never attended a party with Kavanaugh”

3. Create A Seasonal Holiday Calendar

Use your handprints to make a giant turkey. Then draw a thought bubble on the turkey that says “I like beer.” Anytime a family member brings up a passive aggressive comment about anything you’ve ever done in your life that they don’t approve of consult the calendar and say, “Sorry, Mom, if I’d actually done that I am sure I would have written it on my calendar.”

4. Build A Festive Toadstool Centerpiece

Sure, you can still have your basic cornucopia, it’s gourd season after all! But why not add a Toadstool? Specifically, the one from Mario Kart… and he might need a date so I strongly suggest a smirking Stormy Daniels barbie.

5. Draw A Fun Michael Cohen “Flip Book”

Spice up your table settings with fun for the whole family. An action packed flip-book where we see a Michael Cohen stick figure throwing Donald Trump under a bus before heading off to jail. End it with stick figure Cohen reminding everyone to vote Democratic.

6. “I Told You So” Placemats

Shameless self plug: Take this letter I wrote Dear Trump Supporter Who Says They Love Me (←- it’s a link. click it.) and print it out. Highlight every prediction that has come true so far (Spoiler: it’s all of them) then laminate them to use as placemats.

Or skip Thanksgiving altogether and mail that letter as your “why I will not be attending.”

7. Moscow Mueller cocktails

Serve these drinks in the traditional copper mugs, but add a tiny umbrella. Throw the umbrella on the ground and leave it blowing in the wind. Surely someone else will know what to do with it.

8. The Perfect Playlist

Tell everyone you are going to throw on some mood music while you eat. Then hit “play” on your “What Happened” audiobook.

9. Score Big During The Game

When it comes time to watch football throw on your Colin Kaepernick jersey and/or A Black Lives Matter t-shirt. Constantly say, “I’m only watching for the Nike commercials.”

10. Remember Who You Are

You are not alone. You are on the right side of history. These people are related to you, but they do not define you. You do not owe polite behavior to someone spewing bigotry and hate.. even if they gave birth* to you. If it gets to be too much you can leave. Or take a walk. Or get on Twitter to find like minded people who are in the same boat. I’m proud of you for standing up for what is right. I’m thankful YOU exist to help fight for our future.

*I’m a mom who has given birth, so I have the moral authority to say that to you.