You Don’t Have To Be Fine
You Don’t Have To Be Fine
Hi. This week has been pretty shitty, huh?
Maybe you are sad, maybe you are filled to the brim with rage, maybe you are exhausted beyond belief and just want to distract yourself with funny cat videos.
Maybe, like me, you feel all those things simultaneously to the point that it is almost confusing and you have no idea what it is you feel. If there’s one thing survivors know, it’s how to shove all that bile down and be “fine.” Just choke it all down and smother your feelings so no one else will be uncomfortable. There are bills to pay and children to nurture and friends and family and a ton of obligations that make these feelings really inconvenient.
I’m here to give you permission to let go of that. Not let go of your life or even your responsibilities, just that perceived responsibility of being “fine.” (Although, let’s see if you can take a few off your plate for a little while if possible, okay? Anything that is not a MUST do for survival today can wait. Let it. You deserve that.) You are worth more than what was done to you. Your friends and family are so lucky to have you. You add value to the world… but right now, I am here to be the friend who sits with you and says “Hey, you are worthy. Your feelings are worthy. You should be allowed to feel them.” Right now, today, let’s take care of YOU.
If you want to scream into the abyss, Scream. If you want to curl up in a ball and cry, do it. Take a warm bath. Take a walk in a place that you enjoy. Go to the beach. Buy yourself a fancy coffee on the way to work. Play music that you enjoy, or hell, music that indulges your sadness or your rage. It’s also okay to read a book or watch a movie or do something really distracting. Call a friend who makes your soul feel loved. Tell them you need a kind word. Yeah, I’m saying reach out and have needs. I know that can be scary. I am super bad at it, too.
You are not inconvenient. Your feelings are not inconvenient. They are also not your fault. This should not be your burden to carry. Feel your feelings. They won’t break you. You are stronger than this. I know that because you are still here. I’m glad you are here. You deserve to be here. Feeling your feelings isn’t weak. It’s brave. You don’t have to speak out or share anything with anyone to be brave. Feeling your feelings is brave. Acknowledging, to YOURSELF, that you were hurt, that you are hurting, is brave. I tell my three year-old daughter bravery is doing something scary. She now says, “Scared is brave.” She’s right. And, honey, all of this, all these feelings, oh my god, are they scary. That’s why I want you to know you are not alone.
You might even be feeling like you don’t have a right to be SO impacted by all of this. I hope you know that you have every right. I hope that you are filled with righteous fucking rage, but it’s okay if that is not where you are. You may be thinking that what you went through wasn’t “bad enough” because others have been through worse. This is a thing society does to us. All we have to do is look at the events of the past few days to get the reinforced message we’ve been sent our entire lives. No victim is perfect enough to be “valid” and “good” and no perpetrator is flawed enough to be “bad.” That’s bullshit. Any violation of your body or your mental state is a violation. Any time you’ve been made to fear for your safety or feel uncomfortable is bad enough. For many of us, I know for me, the past few days haven’t just been a reminder of THE time we were assaulted, but rather series of times. Some “small” (None are actually small. I promise. It’s okay to acknowledge that) and some “big.” They all impact us. And right now, what we are seeing play out on this national stage is not only painful, it is trauma. It IS that bad. I want to validate your feelings, especially while people want to downplay the violation of another human as “horseplay.” You are not overreacting. You are not being hysterical. You are seeing another example of just how little respect and care we give to survivors. This is traumatizing.
You may recoil from this because you feel like it would be you treating yourself like a “victim” instead of a “survivor.” First of all, I would like to say you are allowed to feel and react and categorize yourself in whatever way works for you. What ever makes you feel empowered and strong and push through is GOOD. You are good.
I do want to talk about the word “victim.” We’ve made it a bad word in our culture and I hate that with every fiber of my being. This whole idea of “don’t be the victim” drives me crazy.
Why is the worst thing to be a victim? Shouldn’t the WORST thing be to be an attacker? To be a perpetrator? Saying “don’t be a victim” puts the shame on the person who was wronged. The only time it’s wrong to “act like a victim” is when you are the bully who got caught. NOT when you were the one who was wronged. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of when you have been a victim. The shame is all for the attacker and for those who excuse or support those attackers. It is for them ALONE. It is OKAY to say “I was violated. I was harmed. That was wrong.” It’s okay to feel vulnerable. It’s okay to feel hurt. It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not any victim/survivor’s fault that they were targeted. NEVER.
Being a survivor means that you have seen some shit. It means you have been to hell and back. Being a survivor means you are a person with a story to tell. But that doesn’t mean you owe anyone your story. It is your story and you are not obligated to tell it. Not ever. Not to anyone. But if you want to, that is yours too. Be heard. Be loud. Tell it whenever and however you’d like to share it. I am here to sit beside you and see you and hear you. You are not alone. Not ever.
I am here to be sad with you and to be angry with you, and, god knows, to take to the streets and protest and get out the vote with you. I promise I won’t stop fighting. We will do whatever it takes.
If you need someone to talk to about how you are feeling right away, or if you are looking for a way to donate to help make sure survivors have support and continue to be heard, I’d recommend visiting the RAINN website. https://www.rainn.org
