Find your Jewish Husband at Mount Sinai!
As a Russian Jew, I grew up with my parents telling me there is only 3 career paths I can take after college, law, medical, or accounting. So wanting to be on Disney Channel didn’t work out for my Russian parents. Once I got older, my parents dream went from controlling my future, to controlling my love life. “You have to marry a Russian Jew. If he’s not Russian, make sure he’s Jewish, they make the best husbands.” Now, the question is, where do I find these fabulous men?
Last year my grandma, sister, mom, and I went on a little shopping date. One thing led to another and my grandma got so excited about the sales in Century 21 that she literally shopped til she dropped and broke a hip. Not funny, but I think that brightens up the mood a little bit, doesn’t it? After that she’s been in and out of the hospital. The last hospital she went to was Mount Sinai on 101st.
I decided to run away from my issues in New York and spend my summer in Greece. I just broke up with my boyfriend and I had to drink away my thoughts. So I left in order to not be stuck in sheepshead bay, which was a one way ticket for running into my ex. I didn’t find out my grandma was in the hospital until I was getting on my flight back to New York City and I get a call from my mom.
“You didn’t find a greek husband yet, did you, menda?” (What my mom calls me)
“No ma, they’re all fuckboys.” I say to her.
“THANK GOD! Because Baba is back at the hospital but there are SO many wonderful jewish doctors here. You’re going to come here when you land, I already have one picked out for you.” My mom says happily.
Here I am, almost 9 hours away from home, freaking out that my grandma is in the hospital, while my mom is planning my wedding.
“MOM WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHY IS SHE BACK IN THE HOSPITAL?” I say nervously.
“Oh she will be fine she just didn’t feel well. Have a safe flight, menda!!! Call when you land.”
9 hours later, I land in JFK with my whole family there to greet me. We make our way to the hospital. That was the longest car ride of my life. My mom was swooning over Dr. Henry. She explained his eyes are bluer than the mediterranean sea and our kids would be so beautiful and Jewish.
Once we get there the first 3 doctors I see look like the men that just got divorced and went on jswipe to try and find a new wife. (I’ve tried Jswipe, didn’t work out for me). I immediately realized that my mother had horrible taste in men, and I wasn’t related to her. We get up to the 15th floor where my grandmother stayed. I go into the room and the first thing I see was the most beautiful man with the bluest of eyes. I come in, looking like absolute shit. Hair up, burnt nose, sweats, and a tank top. “Hello, I’m Dr. Henry, are you the granddaughter? Your grandma is getting bathed.” He puts out his hand wanting a handshake. I shook his hand while electricity filled my body.
“How are you doing today?” He asks me. “You look very tan”
I smile. “Oh yeah, I actually just got back from Greece.” I say to him.
“Oh wow GREECE! That’s amazing, I’ve been to Greece multiple times. My family has a house in Santorini.” He says.
Of course he does, not only is he beautiful, but we both like to travel. All I can think about is the summer we’re going to spend in Greece together.
“I went to Santorini also, absolutely beautiful.” I say to him.
The nurse walks into the room. “Dr. Henry, the patient in the next room needs to take her medicine, can you help me?”
“Yes, nurse. I’ll be right back.” he says.
He walks out of the room and so do I. I make my way to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and of course I have a piece of lettuce in my teeth from my lunch on the plane. Well, I’m a horrible person. This is for talking shit about JSwipe right? I don’t deserve to marry a doctor. I walk out of the bathroom and there he is, standing there, waiting for me to come out.
“Oh, hello again Doctor, is my grandma ok?” I ask him while I smile uncontrollably.
“Amanda was it? You can call me Henry. Your grandma is fine, but how are you doing today?” He asks.
“Oh, uh. I’m pretty great. Just tired.” I say anticipating what he is going to ask next.
“Are you tired enough to not have a drink with me after my shift?”
OH SHIT. The hottest doctor in New York City just asked me to go out for a drink. But how do I tell him I’m not allowed in a bar?
“Well, as long as that drink isn’t alcoholic.” I say nervously, regretting my words instantaneously.
“Wait, you aren’t 21?” He asks with a confused look on his face.
“No, I’m 20…but I have tasted alcohol if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Oh, well I’m 32. I think 20 may be a bit too young.” He says to me.
I look at him for about 20 seconds. “Well, have a good day.” I walk away.
I come back to the room. My grandma is back in her bed, and I hug her.
“Have you met Dr. Henry?” My grandma asks me.
Great, even my grandma was in on it.
“YES MENDA WHAT HAPPENED I SAW HE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU”, my mother says with excitement.
“Well mom, he doesn’t like me because I can’t go to a bar.” I say to her.
“Did you tell him you’re 20? You could have passed for 23 atleast.” She says.
“No mom, I couldn’t lie to my future husband. I only tell the truth.” I say sarcastically.
“Well you’re an idiot” my mom says while my grandma agrees with her. “I could have given you my ID”.
“Do I look 42, mom?” I ask her.
“Well I guess it doesn’t matter now. Keep swiping right on JSwipe.” My mom says while smiling.