What Confident People Know About Big-Ass Lions
The one thing confident people know that you don’t know yet.
You know what it’s like — you’re in a room, surrounded by all these people who are smiling, and chatting, and seem happy to be there (WTF?).
And…there they are. The one person who really shines. The Butterfly.
How dare they float around, from group to group with no problem or hesitation?
They seem to make every conversation they are a part of more fun, more animated, more exciting. Everyone’s delighted to see them and pull them in for more! More! More!
I would stare at these people and think, “Hmm. How can I take them down?”
And then I thought, “I could never be like that.”
And then I thought, “How do they do that?”
Sound familiar?
Those of us who are a little socially awkward or quiet, or weird or who have been burned before — we see confident people and chalk it up to them just being extroverts or on pretty decent Class-A drugs, or maybe they have a “stable” life with “people who support them.” (whatever)
Really though, it’s just confidence.
Frustratingly, people with confidence insist it’s a skill that’s learned. It’s a muscle, that has to be built with practice through time till one day, it’s totally ripped like a character in seasons 1–3 of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.
But that’s not helpful to us introverts, misfits, and underdogs, because just thinking of that process — practicing the one thing that terrifies us over and over can make us want to vom on the spot.
So, I’m going to reveal a little secret in a minute that worked for me, and it might work for you too.
Why We Freak TF Out
Just about everyone I know who isn’t confident has a little bit (or a fucking truckload) of anxiety when we’re in a situation we don’t know or like.
Our lizard brains fire up that FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE or FAWN situation. Our brains flip through old files buried way back in our subconscious — all the times we tried and failed and it felt like total shit.
-That time you got the nerves to ask out you-know-who out in 11th grade and got brutally turned down.
-The time you dared to approach a Big Bad Group to talk and they flinched and looked you up and down like you were an escaped patient from a Victorian asylum.
-The time you sat in a job interview and just knew you blew the answer to the last question and were never going to get that job.
Even if you don’t remember the exact experiences, your brain remembers the bad emotions that you felt in them.
It’s part of why we as humans survived during those early rough days of dodging lions and tigers and bears. We couldn’t afford to take second chances after we were lucky enough to have a near-death experience.
Your brain is meant to protect you from what brought you pain in the past. (Those garbage people we dated in our early 20s are the exception. For some reason our brains are okay with us hanging out with those toxic folks.)
The thing is, we live so much in our heads.
So our brains, and anxiety magnify every uncomfortable situation into a struggle to the death. It makes sense because when we miscalculated in the past, we became pâté for jackals or sabre tooth tigers or our 9th grade frenemies to savour.
(PS — my Photoshopping skills are available for a price.)
The Secret (No, not that The Secret)
So here’s the secret I promised.
Every single annoyingly confident person, every Butterfly has understood one thing that gave them the audacity to build and flaunt their confidence (the lunatics).
What’s this one thing?
That no matter how bad a conversation turns out, or how bad they may mess up in front of people, or if they trip on the rug and look like a dick, no matter how mortifying what they might do would be, at some point they realised that they would survive it and live to tell the tale and the damn sun would still rise tomorrow and life would go fucking on. Because it always does.
That’s all it is.
And then, after they had that realisation, they started to talk to people. Every time they found themselves talking to others, especially strangers, their brains began to reinforce that thought- that no matter what, they were going to survive it and be okay.
That takes a HUGE amount of pressure off.
Think about times in your life when it was easy to talk to people. Going to a live show is a common one. You love a band, you’re surrounded by people who adore that band too.
How easy is it to chat with complete strangers, when you are in the line for beer, or the toilets, or even just standing around? It’s easy to talk to the person next to you about a song they just played or what you’re hoping they’ll play- because no one’s on high alert.
And no one’s on high alert because you all have one big thing in common. Something you’re passionate about.
That’s all connecting with people is. No agenda, just in the minute, asking about and sharing what they’re passionate about.
Confidence. Knowing you’re going to be okay even if that person is an asshole. Even if things go wrong. Because sometimes they do. But sometimes they don’t. Either way you’ll be a-okay.
I’ll prove it
Don’t believe me? Think right now of the most annoyingly confident person you know. The butterfly pain-in-the-ass in your life.
Now imagine them standing right in front of a lion. Not a cougar. Not a puma. A fucking enormous scary lion. With nothing and no one for protection.
Okay, now stop smirking! Stay with me here. Picture them. The lion.
Think they’d be very confident?!?! No!
Why? Because they definitely aren’t sure they’re going to survive it. They aren’t sure things will be okay. They certainly ain’t sure they’ll live to tell the tale. And they’re probs a little doubtful about life going on.
(Not so confident now are they?)
Of course the Butterflies know that meeting someone, job interviews, a date, talking in public, whatever it is — is not the same as being in front of a lion.
And their chances of being in front of a lion are…slim. So they carry on.
Getting that brain fired in the other way
Don’t be sorry, be fierce. Because you are an all-star. — RuPaul
It’s really important to keep reminding yourself no matter what, you’re going to be okay, until your brain recognises and accepts this pattern.
I get the anxiety thing. It’s a real problem. Lots of us have had treatment for anxiety. It can be really crippling. But think about the live gig thing again. Chances are there are moments where you don’t feel the anxiety.
Getting this part down — the fact that you can handle it whether it’s okay or not okay — is like throwing the emergency brake on a runaway train heading for the broken tracks above a massive ravine.
It’s a big jolt, but that momentum has to be stopped before the train can ever go back the right way.
It’s something you’ll probably have to repeat over and over again. Baby steps at first, and little by little, it will get a little easier.
Your mind might be puking at the thought. It might be throwing around “what if?” questions. But you can flip the what if to something good.
What if I say the wrong thing to that person? vs. What if I survive it?
What if I go up to that group of people and I find out I’ve got a massive green thing stuck in my teeth? vs. What if I survive it? What if THEY have a greenie? What if I just avoid anything with green in for the time being?
What if I mess up this job interview and they don’t like me? vs. What if I survive it? What if I learn something I can take to the next interview? What if I actually don’t like them?
What if they don’t want me? vs. What if I survive it, just like I survived all the other people who didn’t want me for whatever reason?
You can turn them into even stronger positives-
What if I say the wrong thing to that person? vs. What if I say something that person’s been wanting to hear all night?
What if I go up to that group of people and I find out I’ve got a massive greenie in my teeth? vs. What if that group of people end up being the most interesting people I’ve talked to in a long time?
What if I mess up this job interview? vs. What if this job interview ends up leading to the best experience I’ve ever had?
What if they don’t want me? vs. What if I’m exactly who they’re looking for?
Remember, this is an emotional, not a logical issue. So you must replace one emotion with a better feeling emotion. Positive what-ifs, and of course reminding yourself that you’ll survive, are the best way to do it, until you get the hang of it.
Feel free to use a physical anchor if it helps. When your brain does the runaway train thing, you can do something physical that stops your brain from running. I like to snap my fingers- it brings attention to that moment and gives me a chance to counter what my brain is freaking out about.
Others tap their thigh or do something with their knuckles, but whatever you choose, it’s like that moment where the teacher in class shouts “stop” to the kids when they’ve finally gone a little too far. But it does it to your brain.
When you accept you’ll be okay no matter what the outcome, you’ll feel freer to be yourself, and when you are yourself, more relaxed, the words will flow more freely, and you’ll be your awesome self, just like that annoying Butterfly.
I can’t make the same promise about the lion tho.
