I Am A Shark
I saw an infographic from Slated based on current stats of female representation in film. Highly intriguing. This sparked a search for more stats. I guess I am one who finds comfort in numbers. And by comfort I mean outrage. I am the type of person who needs to know details, even if it hurts. For me it’s like getting a shot at the doctor’s; I cannot look away. I need to know where we’re starting from, even if it’s painful, to make it better. It also took less than 30 seconds to find the information which means other people are equally as curious. Conversation means that this is something people are aware of and care about. Hopefully it’s a sign of change. Here’s the link if you want to check it out:
From what I found it’s very roughly speculated (SAG doesn’t release numbers?) that only around 20% of SAG actors work on union jobs, even just once a year. Of all the thousands of union actors, only 20% of them will book something. So of the 20% how many are lead roles for women? Slated found that to be 29.4% in theatrically released films. (Working on the assumption that these are all SAG actresses). I would also like to know how many of them are people of color because feminism is intersectional. For now my arbitrary numbers (phew) will help put certain things into perspective. I want to break down not what the numbers say, but what the implications behind them are to me personally, not for society or the film community or women or anyone else. There are more experienced people, better versed in feminist theory, who speak more eloquently. I am simply writing about the experience I personally have as a woman on camera in film and fashion.
I could only find rough estimates on union jobs and these figures are not representative of the industry because it doesn’t include non union work. I would guess that more actors work on non union projects, considering how many actors there are in LA alone. While stats have faults, they serve as a helpful guide to understand how women and people of color are largely underrepresented in front of and behind the camera.
I do celebrate great strides being made in the industry. I think we are really on to something, on the brink of change because if you ask virtually anyone about why there isn’t equal representation in film, I think most people will say it’s because much like politics, it’s run by old, straight, white, men. People are questioning where the media they consume comes from. This is key. Always question the source. As a fashion model, I have been questioned about beauty standards. It’s certainly something I have grappled with personally my whole life and professionally for my entire career. Beyond images of beauty in the media, I would say that we live in a society that will not validate you; a society where self love is an act of defiance. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you rebel. Love yourself unconditionally and watch the world burn because of it.
But really, who is responsible? In my experience in fashion, people blame the face of the campaign: the model. The perfectly airbrushed, tall, thin, women are held accountable. A lot of people seem to feel that the beauty and fashion industry is, at times, based on a system of making you feel bad about yourself by showing you what you “should” look like. It’s a system that sometimes feeds off of insecurity and jealousy, particularly among women.
I was questioned by a very overweight woman about the part I play in projecting “unhealthy” images of women, as a model. I used quotes because I am not unhealthy and it’s not my place to say whether she was or not. But honestly, I am being polite about her demeanor. She wasn’t just questioning me. She was raising her voice, verbally attacking me, accusing me personally of making people feel terrible about themselves, and blaming me for striving to perpetuate an unreasonable standard that all women are supposed to adhere to. I’m not what “real men” want (heteronormative, much?), I’m not what “real women” look like (wait, I’m the one who perpetuates stereotypes?). I am not real.
Trust me, girl I know I’m not what men want. When I was 10, my friend asked a boy in school if he liked me…“No, she’s too tall”. I have had this “problem” throughout my life. I’m a giant, I’m a string bean, I’m the Twin Towers, I’m big…and I’m still growing. Later in life, I’m helpful around the house and in my remedial bullshit dead end jobs because I can grab things from high places. Did I let it hurt me? Did I let it make me slump my shoulders? Hell no. I have had no problem walking my tall ass, faster than you with my long legs, to the bank to cash my modeling checks. *snaps*
Well, I guess it hurt a little. There was one point when it really got to me. Try telling a scrawny 15 year old collapsed on the kitchen floor in a fit of tears that people are killing themselves to look like her. It was the right, logical thing of my mother to say to me, but the cruelest thing about what women are supposed to be as depicted in the media, is that men never want what you are. I foolishly believed it. Years later, the woman berating me for my appearance foolishly believed it. If the media are teaching objectification of women as appreciation, it’s a really complex, conflicting thing for a young woman to want sexual validation in that form. You don’t want to be outright objectified, but it hurts when you think nobody will ever look at you and say “that ass, tho”. In that brief moment of weakness, I would have traded my entire career for a pair of “nice tits”. Luckily, I didn’t and I got past that quicker than my peers while for some it’s a lifelong battle. My self confidence developed in bounds where my breasts left off. In fact, they’re asymmetrical and their punishment for not living up to the “media’s standards” is that one of them will forever go through life less loved. Yes, it’s the smaller one. But it really doesn’t affect my life in a debilitating way and I don’t give a god damn what anyone thinks anymore anyway. I feel lucky to have learned that what matters most is how I see myself…
And yet, with this woman, here I was again, in tears because of the way I looked. It wasn’t just her awful tone and no, it wasn’t “Oh pity me. I’m a skinny, pretty, white, girl. People hate me because I’m beautiful but I have problems too”. I was crying because she didn’t love herself and was somehow led to believe that it was my fault. 15 year old me related to her in a way she couldn’t understand. We were taught the same things by the media but somehow received the message in different forms. She was taught men didn’t want her because of me, and I was taught men didn’t want me because of someone else. It’s easy to understand how this can breed jealousy that bleeds into different aspects of women’s lives.
When I work, I am not telling anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. I am playing the game in an industry I have chosen, like everyone else. I show up and work hard because I love the fashion industry. I love film. I practically transcribe an entire script in preparation for a role. I love collaborative art. It’s under my skin, it’s in my blood, it’s fused with my bones. I love this so much that if I stop, I begin to experience symptoms that resemble clinical depression. Some sharks die if they stop swimming. I am a fucking shark. I need this. Don’t you dare try to take it away by saying I’m not real. I’m not a type. I’m not a metaphor. I am not unattainable. I am not just a model, just an actor. I give everything I have to artistic integrity. This is who I am. I am real. I am flesh and blood and I am a shark. You are not going to stop me because if I don’t keep going, I will die.
I believe that nobody should feel unwelcome because there is a place in the industry for everybody. I believe in design for all body types. I believe in roles for people of all ages, colors, sizes, and abilities. I believe in celebrating beauty of all types. Whatever your heart desires that is good, you deserve. I believe that there is a place in this world for everyone. We all belong.
In fashion, we blame the face. It’s the tall skinny women’s fault. In film, we blame the people who we think do the hiring. It’s the old, straight, white cis men’s fault. I can understand the outrage of people who do not feel represented. I often see female characters who are completely unrelatable because they are written by men. But when I turn on the TV or open a magazine, I get the privilege of seeing people who look like me. I can submit to castings every single day. I see so many roles listed for girls like me that I can take breaks when I become lazy, busy, or riddled with self doubt until I can’t move. This is a privilege I know that other actors don’t have and I feel completely wracked with guilt for past opportunities that I didn’t take. But at the heart of it all, pain is relative. I too, know pain. I know what it feels like to not feel good enough. I would love to use this source of pain as a springboard to making it better, to connecting with others. But how? For me, it’s to keep going, no matter who tells me I can’t.
As a tall, thin, cis gendered white woman who wants to be a part of the evolving story of equal representation in the media, I would say the answer lies in the creation of the content. Thank you for pointing fingers at the source. I’m looking too. My success/failure isn’t going to affect anyone else but me. All I can do is be the best me I can. I use my skills and abilities to the best of my potential, while knowing that casting is arbitrary.
How to be an ally? Stay in your lane. Sit down. There is no need to speak on someone else’s experience, even if it pisses you off and you want to make it better. Even if you want to show adoration and respect. Let marginalized people tell their own stories. Intersectionality is the most important part of this new generation of content we are creating. Everyone has privileges and disadvantages in their own ways, so let’s stop using them to divide. The important thing is to see it so we know how to tell these stories in the best way possible. All people deserve to be seen, heard, and loved. Create opportunity for diversity to flourish. Speak your mind. Speak to the source. Speak with your dollars. Support content you believe in. Hire the right people who come from many different backgrounds. There is plenty of room at the table and don’t let anybody ever tell you any different. We’ve already had to fight for what we have thus far. Be a shark.
