Girls Night Out
Meri: It was really embarrassing, you know, when Brian —
Me: …began channeling Mel Gibson’s Braveheart in the middle of the bedroom?
Orthodontist’s Waiting Room
Waiting Parent: Kids! You know, all this stuff is so expensive. And we’re constantly running! But it’s all so —
Me: …monotonous, undeserved and positively life draining?
Colleen’s First Communion
Grandmother: In that dress, I think Colleen looks just like…well, just like —
Me: …the devil’s very sister from another mister?
Daniel’s Bar Mitzvah
Daniel’s father: Hearing him speak up there, I felt like Daniel proved he was —
Me: …the devil’s very brother from another mother?
Aunt Rose: Hello Janet! How is your —
Me: …gum disease? It’s at the moderate stage, thank you, with the only downside being, well, the bad breath.
Acquaintance: Hey! Janet! It’s great to see —
Me: …they cleaned up the blood in aisle 4?
Boss’s Husband: Thank you for coming. Lila considered all of you at AAC like family. She once —
Me: …manufactured voo dolls of each employee and hung them in succession from the Terzani crystal chandelier like sparkling mystic piñatas?
Middle School Soccer Game
Other Mom: I found this really cool cleaner at the Dollar Store. I mean it’s not even for stains, it’s —
Me: …an illegal substance that you inhale before putting the clothes into the washing machine, thus erasing your will to care about the stains on soccer pants? Or souls?
Dinner With Parents
Mom: Did you hear Lisa’s engaged? To that (turns to Dad) what was that guy’s name? You know the one with the fuzzy chin that used to glare at everyone. Kind of slouchy.
Dad: Yeah, slouchy. And he glared. He was with Lisa? I thought that was Melissa?
Mom: It was Lisa. And, Jan, she had on a huge engagement ring. Huge! Everyone’s getting married. Are you seeing —
Me: …a therapist? Yes.
Moment of Silence at Memorial Day Parade
Me: YOU’RE ALL GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY!!!