This past year was undoubtedly the worst year of my life thus far, but I’m still celebrating because the worst year of my life taught me some of the most important lessons I will have learned, and it has blessed me with many gifts.
I wanted to share with you nine words that sum up 2015 for me. If you take the first letter of each of the bolded words and unscramble them, you’ll find my favorite word which coincidentally was the theme of my 2015. Enjoy.
This has been a year full of challenges that allowed me to learn so much about myself, the people around me, and the world. I am grateful for the trials and tribulations I faced and overcame, because they ultimately allowed me grow and thrive as a person.
For a majority of 2015, I felt as if I was on a roller coaster that I couldn’t seem to get off of. I laughed and cried. For the first time in a very long time, I loved. For the first time ever, I truly loathed someone to the point where the mere thought of them resulted in disgust. Friendships blossomed. Some withered away.
I often found myself drowning in confusion. I felt emotions that I didn’t know were possible. At moments, it was almost as if all hell broke loose, and I was lost amidst it all.
Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. I went through hell and back this year and reached a point in my life where I was so shattered that I began to question who I was and my self-worth. Self-medication became my best friend and allowed me to numb myself, but really I was just trying to run away from my problems until I couldn’t anymore. My anxiety worsened to levels I have never experienced before, and at times, it took over as I stood there unable to move, and my heart was just about ready to beat out of my chest. When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, mild depression conveniently introduced itself and we danced for a bit. I courted with the potential of me being at risk for PTSD until I felt myself drifting in and out of reality. I no longer recognized the reflection in the mirror.
I began to question my friendships. I trusted very few and closed myself off. I became really good at putting up a facade so that no one would know that something was wrong.
The difficult part about all of this was understanding that all of this was happening and that it was very much real. Accepting and embracing that things would be chaotic allowed me to learn new ways to cope and continue to function. Running away and avoiding my problems would not have benefit me in anyway, so I embraced them and faced them.
When I hit rock bottom, I realized that I could only go up from there. I slowly pieced myself back together and fought my inner demons. Naturally, with pain, a healing process follows. I loved myself a little more and immersed myself in the kindness radiating from those that I hold close to me. You all have saved me, and I’m so incredibly thankful for those that have helped me in my dark times.
I spent a lot of time in solitude in 2015, and in solitude I found peace and safety. It’s easy to confuse being alone with being lonely, but they are in fact two very different states of being. In being alone, I allowed myself to recharge and to be myself completely. In being alone, I was able to sort out and understand the chaos that was my life at that particular moment which in turn allowed me to act accordingly.
Sure, I was beaten down, but I bounced back. I always do, and I came back stronger than I was before. Through my trials, I became more resilient. It is easy to misconceive my experiences as signs of weakness, but truly it is a reflection of my malleability and strength. I may not have control over natural chemical occurrences, but I have full control over how I choose to respond and how I allow these adversities affect and shape me.
I’m not sure if I can fully recognize who I was 365 days ago, and that’s because I’ve gone through so many changes in the past year that I’ve become someone very different. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Change is really the only constant in life, and I’m thankful that I’ve been given opportunities to live progressively despite the hardships that surfaced.
just a short time, 2015 was fleeting, transient. 2015 was ephemeral but definitely one for the books.
What was your theme for 2015? I’d love to hear about it.