Fall Failure Guide
I know it might seem impossible to fail at an entire season, but I promise it can be done. Fall is here. My favorite time of year. And here’s my guide on how to mess it up.
First, make sure you’re going into fall with completely unrealistic expectations. These expectations are applicable to you, others, holidays, and the season itself. Here are a few of mine:
I’m going to do a full yard clean up before it gets too cold and/or snows.
Fall means that we’ll have ideal weather from September 1st through November 30th.
At no time will I eat an entire pecan pie by myself.
At no time will I eat an entire pumpkin pie by myself.
I will not take sides on hot button issues like pumpkin spice.
This year, when I carve a pumpkin for Halloween, it will not rot before Halloween. It will not be devoured by squirrels. Unruly teenagers will not smash what’s left of it in the street.
At Thanksgiving, I will finally learn how to make good gravy. I will stop eating when I’m full.
When visiting with family, no one will bring up politics or fat shame someone else.
I’ll wear comfy sweaters, but somehow manage not to sweat excessively.
Really what you want to do is look at the season as a whole with amber-colored glasses. Think Martha Stewart and beautiful leaves. Ignore the fact that you’ll be busier than at any other time of year, attempting to juggle your normal responsibilities along with back-to-school, back-to-back holidays, and far too much interaction with extended family.
Once you have these unrealistic expectations in place, you can begin to fail at them as the season progresses.
In addition to your own failures, endure a number of negative outside influences, like uncooperative weather (Fall doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your plans. Also, has anyone actually ever been given a rat’s ass? And if so… well… so many questions.)
Get the flu.
Blow your holiday budget on an unexpected and decidely un-fun expense, like the sudden need for roof repairs or a new furnace or a carburetor (I have no idea what a carburetor does, but it’s kind of a fun word).
Pack on extra pounds for winter… as if you’re going to need extra pounds for winter.
This is Holly, winner of Fat Bear Week back in 2019. Holly needs to pack on pounds for winter. I do not. But I’ll do it anyway. Because pie.
If you have your own traditions for ruining this time of year, I’d love to hear about them. You can reach me at amanda@amandaturner.com.
For more ideas that work all year long, check out Every Cook’s Guide to Ruining Dinner.
