How to Get Trapped in a Sports Bra

I’ve heard that it’s good to get out of your comfort zone. Apparently, being vulnerable allows for growth of some sort.

If you buy into to this type of thinking, then getting trapped in a sports bra is exceedingly healthy. Being held hostage by an article of your own clothing is a sure way to feel both uncomfortable and vulnerable.

Since I’m pretty much an expert on this, I thought I’d share my basic tips on how to get trapped in a sports bra.

First, make sure you own a sports bra, but that you don’t really exercise all that often. This is key, because being a little bit on the chubby side definitely helps.

You also want to have completely unrealistic expectations about a magical transformation that your body is going to experience just by owning a sports bra. Meaning, you want to buy a sports bra that’s a little bit too small, because you have the delusion that your sports bra purchase will lead you to exercise all the time and get super fit. And if you’re going to be super fit, you might as well buy the bra that is best suited to the super fit physique that you’re never actually going to attain.

Makes sense, right?

Now, you’ve probably heard what they say about sports bras…

LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!

Start off by getting trapped in your too small sports bra in the dressing room of the store where you’re purchasing it. I suggest an overpriced retailer staffed by shockingly beautiful people with .0002% body fat. This ensures maximum humiliation and panic.

If you get the bra on without incident, don’t worry. You haven’t failed. Because 9 times out of 10, the part where you get trapped is when you try to take the bra off.

You’ll get it up past your boobs, but then find that the elastic is pinning your arms together up over your head. You might have one arm straight up in the air, and the other folded inside the bra, pinned against your chest, which will inexplicably bring to mind chicken wings.

If this is the case, you’re doing it right.

Your next step is to begin panicking. This should be accompanied by instant and profuse sweating. You should sweat so much that the bra becomes soaked through. This guarantees that you’ll buy the bra, because you’ll be too embarrassed to put it back on the rack or return it to one of the aforementioned staff members.

As you panic and sweat, start to think about all the worst case scenarios…

Will you eventually need to ask for help?

Will a team of people have to cut you out of the sports bra?

Will it make the news?

Or will you lock yourself in the dressing room until you starve to death, because the situation is that mortifying?

Will you try to wriggle the bra back down over your boobs, and then attempt to shoplift it out of the store for lack of a better option?

Will you get caught? Arrested for trying to steal a sweat-soaked sports bra that’s obviously too small for you? What happens when the cops demand you return the merchandise before throwing your bra-stealing ass in jail?

Will the cops have to cut you out of the bra?

How will it feel to have a police officer trying to get a pair of scissors in between the titanium-fortified bra and your back fat?

What will the police report say?

If you eventually make it home with the bra, try to get trapped in it at least once a week for maximum benefit. Do this when you’re already running late for something important.

Do not exercise. Remember, you need to stay chubby.

Keep this article handy if you need to refer to it in the future. By taking my advice, you can regularly be out of your comfort zone and vulnerable, which is going to help you become a phenomenal human being.

If you need more guidance or have guidance of your own to share, you can reach me at amanda@amandaturner.com.

Please consider following me for more self-help tips on how to be uncomfortable or generally fail at things.

I’m next-level.