Bootcamp Team Building
So hell yeah I got into a bootcamp! I got accepted at Le Wagon in Lisbon… The past 2 months for me we’re really like a rollercoaster. I had so many ups and downs that at some point I didn’t know if I could make it.
I had a very severe depression (still recovering actually) last year in the hell Island, a.k.a Madeira Island. It was a fucking challenge for me to live there because mostly of the local people that are impossible to become friends with. I tried all that I could think of… tried to bond, hosted dinner parties at home, create all sorts of events for everyone to gather, talked to stranger, dived into Couchsurfing to get connected with more people… but I just couldn’t make friends from there. All the people I consider friends from there were foreigners and still there is only one still living there. So you can imagine how lonely it was that period for both me and my hubby. He also wasn’t lucky in making friends… It was a dark era in our lives and we learned a lot!
Also because financial-wise it was an even harder place to make money if you’re not working in any touristic area. So we had to stay longer there than we wanted all because of this issue. Until one of my best friends from my hometown offered her home, free of charge, for almost 4 months so we could move to Lisbon and start over. When she offered we didn’t think twice because really I was drowning in that place. That was the feeling every morning. I just couldn’t catch my breath. Well luckily that phase is over! I’m happy that I don’t need to go back there ever…
Since I got here I started my healing process… I visited a doctor there in end and she gave medicine to “cure” depression. I took it like 2 days and thought for myself I don’t need it because it was making me feel numb. I wanted to feel that pain, in some point I though that I deserved it for making bad choices. And I knew that by embracing it I could move forward. And fortunately this was what happened.
On the week I moved to Lisbon I applied to a bootcamp and got until the final phase but didn’t got in. It was ok because this was my first taste of coding life and I liked it. I thought that was stupid for not getting it but that didn’t stop me for wanting to advance further. Another bad thing that happened back in the Island was that after so long not connecting with other people I just couldn’t connect anymore. I think is a mix of low self-esteem with not having the practice for so long to talk with people. I just don’t know how to start, to be liked, to be interesting enough so people wish to stay. I know that sounds very bad but it is the truth. Since I got here I made only 2 friends. An indian couple that for me it feels natural to be close to. They don’t know but they already very important to me.
Last Saturday we had the first event of the bootcamp. A team building so we can get to know each other and have beer together. Did I mention that there was free beer the whole evening? It was great but I am so shy that I don’t know who I am anymore. I separate myself from the group, isolate myself. I know that is a self-preservation instinct but still it sucks. It helps writing it here so I can rationalize, understand and hopefully let go. I want to make friends so bad that I don’t allow myself to commit any mistakes. So I don’t even start talking. I really enjoyed being there and for the first time in a year and half to be able to be part of something bigger than me. But do I belong there? How should I do to make it happen? I don’t know and it hurts like hell. Hopefully I will find this answers soon.