Getting Out Of An Emotional Rut
This was written a long time ago during one of my most memorable and hardest ruts.
It’s purpose: to remind my future self of the time that once was and how overwhelming it felt then. To let my readers and I know that IT passed. The sadness of today will pass too ♡
Each journal entry though written in the time frame of days doesn’t necessarily mean it happened in days. However, take the days as a representation of significant switches I obtained in my mood during the rut period. It can take days, weeks and even months to make these transitions of healing.
Don’t rush it, but aim for it.
✨
Journal entry. Day 1
Life sucks. Doesn’t it? Why did I have to get up from the bed? I managed to be awake and they said I should be grateful but I would rather go back to sleep forever. This day was not one of those ones I want to face.
I felt the tightness in my chest and my throat. I shed tears and got angry with myself for shedding them. I was pathetic. In those moments, I was so pathetic.
I slept through most of it. This was what my routine looked like: sleep, wake up sad, mindlessly scroll, get even sadder, sleep, wake up hungry, whip up the fastest meal, eat, sleep, wake up sad and stare at my dirty plate. Sleep again.
Goodnight.
Journal entry, Day 2
I talked to my friends over the phone while I remained in bed. It was okay that I didn’t see myself in the beautiful light I existed in. All I had to do was speak to my pack and hear them repaint my vision of me in my mind.
Their listening ears became a sanctuary for my heart.
Truly, No one should do life alone ♡
Journal entry, Day 3
I was grateful. Yes, I felt like I was in a hole and I constantly needed to breathe but I found the strength to be grateful. A simple ‘thank you for this day’ was what I needed to say before I started my day.
I know a lot of people may not be religious or spiritual enough to believe in a supreme being watching over us but being grateful is more than accepting that there’s someone greater than you. It’s about finding things that are going well in our lives and focusing on them. Finding things to be happy about.
I was thankful/happy that I had woken up
I was thankful/happy for food
I was thankful/happy that I was feeling all these emotions so strongly
I was thankful/happy for the one thing that made me laugh the other day and the movie that occupied my mind when the crying wanted to start again.
I was thankful/happy for my friends.
Life may have suck at that time but I was thankful/happy and it was a step closer to my healing space.
Journal entry, Day 4
I wasn’t trying and I made it to today. Arghhhhhh *muffled pillow screams*. I was attentive enough to recognize it and I guess that was because I started to pay attention to myself. I had to try.
There were however cracks in my day when the sadness would sneak up on me. For a moment it would have me but it was now coming in moments. I had passed the tide and now I was handling the waves.
One step at a time.
Journal entry, Day 5
Slowly I’ve eased into my routines. Nothing too serious. The usual wake up, stay awake, be productive and eat. I’ve given my self a task(s). To find a new hobby. I picked gardening.
You could read a book, watch a series, meditate, exercise, go cycling, change your hairstyle, stretch, dress up. You could even do all of them. The plan is to focus on feel-good-activities and look-good-activities.
Journal entry, Day 6
I believed I was finally ready to handle the truth. It was time to properly journal. This was when I allowed myself to look back and examine what happened. I asked myself questions like, ‘why did I feel like this?’ ‘What could I have done better?’ ‘When did I start to feel this way?’ ‘What were my triggers?’
This was when I scolded myself for my mistakes, and also the time I gathered myself to comfort. This was when I showed myself love. The balance of it that is soft and hard.
I accepted all the emotions involved. Anger, pain, hurt, betrayal, grief, disappointment, failure. I let it fill up my chest cavity. And then I told myself that life was life. It wasn’t stopping for me no matter what I was feeling. I could feel and continue life. I was strong enough.
So I acknowledged it, accepted it and then I continued.
Journal entry, Day 7
I got busy!
I made all these plans and got back into my routines. I started to make art with what I was feeling and I started to have fun again. I was feeling inspired by everything especially me. I was now in the phase of ‘using my pain.’ I had reclaimed my control!
That evening, the breeze moved with grace, taking the chill wherever she went. Everything felt better, even the sky had more stars. I sat down and watched the leaves on the tree dance to the night’s tune. I was romanticising my life again.
We’ve all got this! 💕
