my life is split in 4 parts:

  1. childhood
  2. high school when Tasnim was “here”
  3. college when I fucked up our friendship
  4. now

I guess I am tired; tired of ask the questions as to where you are; where I am; where we were in this universe 32 days ago (not the geographical location but a metaphysical one). It’s painful to be inquisitive, because I have lost faith in a higher power. I’m not an a-theist, not against the idea of religion. In fact, I envy those who have religion; I wish amidst the tragedies of this world I would have God’s hand to walk me through this grief, this heartache.

I diverge… there are things I want to say to your mother, your sister, your Zayna for which I have no words to communicate with. It’s not a matter of support, because they have that in me and their many friends and families. I know it’s not my place, but I wish I could do something to take away, to take away their, to take away their longing for a better time, a time light years behind us. it doesn’t make sense that we are confined in only 3 dimensions and I wish there is anything I can do to traverse the 4th to see you once more. My dad keeps telling me that it’s not proper to ask for you back and cherish all the memories I have of you. I wish my mind could comprehend his thoughts, his naivety; more so I wish I could capture your thoughts in those waking moments before your parting. 67 minutes of ‘how it felt’ is not enough just as 12,000 Facebook messages with you from high school isn’t enough. The only word I can think of is nostalgia to describe the beauty of that playlist.

I think a question that haunts me more is your identity. I’m starting to realize what you were was a fluid concept not easily put into absolute realities we’re comfortable with. It’s painful/hard to accept that. I wish I can say that college changed you in a way that brought your emotions upheaval, but that’s not something I know or can understand very well or ever will. But I can say with no doubt that I fucked up in not being there for you as a friend. That’s not be absolving my guilt or making your suicide about me, that’s me being real with myself and if there’s any way I could apologize to you right now I would.

It’s hard to put into words the disarray I feel towards who you were, because you were so many tiny powerful things, atoms put together. I can only recall joy and excitement in the many moments we shared and I am indebted to you for all of it.

ily and miss you friend

(“please come back”)

ttyl i hope

P.S. sorry if I have offended any of the religious grievers amongst us.