Postnatal Depression ‘My Journey’

I remember locking my self in the bathroom and crying! Feeling sick to my stomach that I felt so low trying not to cry too loud incase any one heard me, thinking how and why do I feel this awful and how could I even show how I felt when I had such a beautiful little new born, I dare not let any one know what was going on inside my head, so I would dry my tears tell my self I was being silly and calm my self down and walk out the bathroom like nothing had just happened pretending to everyone I was fine, my labour wasn’t the most straight forward I went into hospital with the intention of having a normal birth and being this amazing mother, and to come home from hospital with my baby and to be the perfect family, having a baby is not as easy as everyone portrays it to be, I ended up having a 72 hour labour which ended up me having a c section, my body was drained I had no energy left in me I just felt exhausted after feeling like a failure in having a natural birth I half felt relived to hear I was going to have a c section, I remember them taking me down to theatre and my partner standing beside me and then they pulled my little girl out and I couldn’t hear her crying, I new something was wrong, just by the look on my partners face, I asked what was going on and no one really gave a answer, my partner was reassuring me everything was OK, I didn’t even get to see my little girl just told me how much she weighed and I looked over and just saw her little feet, little did I know she was being resuscitated, and was blue and not responding, then they just took her out the room, no one telling me what was happening just that she needed a little help!! After that it was a bit of a blur, I was out in recovery and my partner showed me a picture he managed to take she looked perfect I couldn’t beilive she was all mine, the doctors said he and my mum had to go home this was about 5am, when my little girl was only just born at 3.47am, I can remember waking up feeling like I had been hit by a bus and being woken up to the sound of crying babies, I looked over and there was mums all around me on the wars with their little new borns and I looked to my side and remembered my precious little baby girl wasn’t with me, that’s when I felt like someone had come and kicked me in the stomach that instant I didn’t know if she was even alive let alone what she even looked like, I called a midwife over and demanded to know what was going on, she said that only the doctors would be Round soon and to wait for them, she come back about and hour later which felt like days to tell me my little girl was ok and that she needed some help after the birth, I felt like someone had told me I had won the lottery when I new she was here and doing ok in the same hospital somewhere…….