What if you will NEVER be good enough?
Standing on the edge of the forest, you can’t bear to look back at where you’ve been.
The wind dances across your skin as you pause for a moment. You’ve left unwashed dishes in the sink. Your bank account is a total mess. Your email account is filled with unanswered emails. And you’ve got urgent calls to return.
When you finally realize…that it doesn’t even matter. They were never going to let you win, anyways.
That there was always going to be another project to finish. Another milestone to reach. Another meeting to attend. Another this. Another that.
That the sun would rise each morning without you being able to feel it’s warmth. That the moon would watch you through the window as you tried to desperately to finish just one. more. thing.
Glancing down at your to-do list this morning you notice that it’s filled with things that you don’t even care about.
You turn on the television and they let you glimpse other people’s lives, much worse than yours. So you drop your head in shame.
“Who am I to want more?”
Scrolling through your newsfeed you see another article reminding you that you haven’t done enough. They say you’re an idealistic millennial chasing a fantasy. A naive dreamer that cares too much about changing the world.
All because you want real moments. To read words that ignite your spirit and remind you that there is more to life than fitting in. To have late night conversations about what it means to be alive.
To dance beneath the midnight sky and wander barefoot through the trees while everyone else sleeps. Preparing for another “productive” day ahead.
You revel in the feeling of creating something with your own hands. In feeling the earth between your fingers. To float on the ocean and stare up at the sky.
And sometimes, you do just that. Pressing pause. You close out the world, grab your favourite book and your furry best friend. To escape into the wilderness. In search of beauty and meaning.
Far from the florescent lights, the facebook ads and false conversations about the weather.
But most of the time, you live in the maze they made just for you. Wandering down the aisles of a big box store, sitting in traffic for hours on end and watching the clock from your desk as you slowly watch your life fade away.
Leaving nothing but memories of your silent cravings to be set free.
The people around you make it look so easy. To just work, drink and sleep. Coffee keeps them kicking. Gossip keeps them entertained. And reminding people like you that life sucks, because they can’t stand the thought of seeing you happy.
They scoff at you and say “You’ll never get what you’re looking for, so don’t even try..” and then check their news app to see what new tragedy there is to report. Further confirmation of what they’ve always known. The world is falling apart and we’re being screwed in the process.
Your shoulders drop. Your eyes close. And you silently bite your tongue. Don’t they see? Can’t they tell? A society obsessed with fitting in, living a faded version of their dreams and pretending that they don’t have time to care. Disconnected from what matters most.
So you pretend to fit inside their box. Knowing that you’re never going to get anywhere “acceptable” in life unless you do.
You wear the fashionable clothes. You read the right books. You listen to the same music. You talk about the popular topics.
All while deep down inside, you want to leave it all behind. To become less addicted to fitting in and standing in line. And more in love with following your own path and dancing to the beat of your own drum.
And the truth is. You do love your life. Your family and friends make it all so much easier to bear. But you KNOW that you can’t just keep chasing an invisible finish line.
The line that says that “Someday you will be worthy. Someday you will be valuable. Someday you will be acceptable. Someday you will be enough.”
And someday, it never seems to come. One degree. One more child. One more zero. One more meeting. One more pound. One more chance. One more diet.
Standing here. Your two feet sinking into the soft moss below…you finally realize that “one more” is a million miles away from where you actually wanted to go.
Being “good enough for them” becomes completely irrelevant as you take a step forward.
Underneath the towering pine trees. Each one cheering you on and you start walking, and then running faster and faster across the forest.
Away from the story you’ve been sold. Towards the life you’ve been yearning for. And when you return back home again, you’ll never be the same.
Because deep down inside you know, that you were never going to win their game. And what really mattered was how you lived.
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