Bigger, Badder, Deeper, Sadder
Getting over yourself
A few months ago I broke up with myself. I left her behind. I haven’t been back. I don’t do drive by’s. I don’t look at her on Facebook. I don’t wear her clothes. I dropped that bitch like a..well.. I dropped her like a bitch.
I’ll admit, it was terribly heartbreaking to make the choice. It was years in the making. The part where you just stop and go cold turkey, that part was freeing. Now that I’m months outside and past that old relationship, I can look back and see what I got out of it. What kept me there for so long? Why did I fight so hard to stay there? Did I make a mistake? Am I really moving or am I just treading water?
No more big house to clean or support. No more keeping up with the Joneses, as I am a Frisch. No more furniture that fits a house but does not fit me. No more trinkets to decorate; to fill space. No more even pretending that I am the mom that likes to volunteer or be on committees.
Holy crap, I miss it. I miss it and not because I liked it. I miss it because I am still treading water. At least I had a pretty life. I miss it because being me, being the girl who says fuck and writes about fucking and does whatever the fuck she pleases is fucking exhausting. I miss it because all of the other mommies and daddies make it look so pretty and and nice. I miss it because I still feel beholden to status and things and stuff.
In the present, in the now, in the chair in which I sit, I am ok. I know I don’t want that life and what it held. I know I’m not the only human who feels insecure in their head and in their heart. I know I made a difficult choice. I know, no road is smooth with scenery from movies. I know what I have and I know I like it. I know I enjoy the work and I know I enjoy the process. Breaking my own heart in order to create space for new things to grow was pain and ecstasy. This too, will serve me.