Car Tweezers

10 secrets about girls you wish would stay secret.

All the ladies in your life have a few little gems that they keep secret. Things we do in secret. Things no one knows. These secrets remain in the vault until well after our children’s grandchildren’s passing. Yes you read that right. They never surface. Until now. Woman are the fairer sex for sure and there are reasons. Our skin is smooth, our eyes alluring, our smell intoxicating, our smile delicate, and our hair tossed yet undeniably swept up in a perfect messy bun. But it doesn’t just happen. OH MY GOD it is work. There are so many horrible, embarrassing things that we smudge and smear with rose colored bronzer in order to perpetuate our flawless existence.

10. Dry Shampoo

What is dry shampoo you ask? This product comes in many different brands and forms. It ranges from $.99 Johnson’s baby powder to $29 Aveda Dry Remedy. You see our hair gets smelly and greasy from being alive. We secrete sweat and odors from our scalp. After that happens our hair gets gross. But, the longer the hair, the bigger the pain in the ass it is to wash, dry, style and repeat. So for one or two or even three days… sometimes longer, we apply this product to our scalp and it absorbs the grease. Then we brush it out. We are gross.

9. Toilet Spray

From the time of Adam and Eve, girls have been eating. We eat food and then we digest it and then we poop. Sometimes it’s a loud episode and sometimes it smells and other times it takes time. No matter how feces exits our body, we try to hide it and do it in private. There are products we use to try and disguise the smell of ass. One is called toilet spray. We usually always have some of this in our purse, especially when we travel. Knowing you may shit and have someone smell it or hear it gives us anxiety. If you hear the water running or music coming from the bathroom and then smell a lot of hair spray.. we just pooped.

8. Teeth Whitener

Another secret about girls.. we drink coffee, wine, soda, and eat food that stains our teeth. If you’ve ever really looked at a girls mouth you will see that some our teeth have little stains and discolorations in places. We whiten, almost obsessively. When we drive or wash our hands, we examine our teeth. In the bottom of every woman’s bathroom cabinet is at least three versions of teeth whitener, strips, markers, trays, rinses. We love a nice white smile.

7. Sleep Overs

If a girl is single or married, 16 or 50, sleeping is our most vulnerable time. Our eyes are closed and our brains are in another realm. We cannot control what we look like, how much we sweat, if we fart, or how we smell in general. For our lovers we always want to be seen as a pretty, pretty princess. All relationships eventually get to the pull my finger stage, but for a woman.. it’s the scariest moment of her day. Waking up and not knowing how much eye goop he can see. Altoids hidden under a pillow. Underwear pulled into a tight wedgie to hide the sound of a rogue butt bark. Baby wipes, baby wipes, baby wipes.

6. Secret Eating

Eating with girls is different than eating with boys. When a group of women get together and order dinner, we usually eat the entire meal. Everything. Everything. There may be M&M wrappers under her bed. There might be Spoonfuls of Nutella in the sink. So much secret eating. When a woman eats with a man, we have a half rule. We eat about half of what we are given, no matter how delicious it is or how hungry we are. One reason, girls don’t want to seem like pigs. Another reason, we might have sexy time later and it’s no fun on a full belly. Yet another reason, if we eat too much or it’s a new food, we will get gassy and may have to poop. After almost every meal with a man, I can guarantee she is still hungry. Girls will eat everything. We secretly take in at least another 1000 calories after any date.

5. Dance Parties

Beyonce. Girls love to dance. We love choreography. We grew up watching Madonna and Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson tell us what it’s like to really rock out. Most of us still remember the dance to Rhythm Nation. When no one else is home and we are by ourselves, an itching starts. It begins in the knees and moves to our hips. Starting to hum and sway to the singing in our heads. Soon, Jay Z is blasting and we are fucking dancing like it’s 1999. Everyone of us wants the Flash dance moment. Girls love to dance. We know the words to Kanye songs. We rap along to Macklemore. We even vogue. Running man, superman, pop and lock… even Hilary can be found lip syncing “Bootylicious”.

4. Farting In The Car

Women always smell so good. We always have a scent of sweetness and an ode of musk. A girl knows to always have perfect hygiene and breath. However…So much farting. We wear tight clothes that hold in our guts and create so much pain. So much farting. The skinniest of us are the gassiest. All of those vegetables and proteins create a stank. Throw in beer..Fuck. Gross. We are gross and loud and stinky. Car Farts. That is how we deal. Give you a kiss goodbye, walk to the car, get in and shut the door, and let it all go.

3. That’s Not Coffee

Women have to deal. We have to deal with kids and work and men and misogyny in general. We have to deal, and we do. We do it making less money and looking straight gorgeous. ladies be getting shit done. And when we show up to the baseball game for our 10 year old, we have beer in our Starbucks cup. When we are at a soccer tournament, have wine in our water bottle. When we are at the 14th awards ceremony celebrating how unextraordinary our kid is, there may have been a shot of fireball before the event. Alcohol and men seem to go hand in hand at any event, be it a kid thing or an adult thing, back yard bbq or business meeting. Women are stereotyped. So we just keep things on the DL

2. Stalking

You have no idea. You have zero idea. Girls are crazy town. We are born with a private investigator gene. I’m not sure where it lies on our DNA strand, but men don’t get it. We stalk like it’s a profession. We stalk like our paycheck depends on it. Girls can find out anything about anyone at anytime. Since the advent of Facebook, things have become much easier.. but we have been doing this shit since the 8th grade. We pay attention to details. What car does he drive? What’s the plate number? Where does he hang out? Who are his friends? Is he married? We know all about you before you say hi. Stalking through social media, moving to google, then peoplefinders, maybe linkedin, of course looking at the courts repository. This is just on our lunch break. That’s not even getting to the 4th page of google, seeing where your name is listed on the HOA board meeting minutes.. for a house you owned 12 years ago. Girls, we know. We know you. Scary.

1. Car Tweezers

Girls are hairy. Everywhere. Oh my God we have so much hair. It grows in places that surprises even us. Belly button hair, neck hair, chin hair, rouge eyebrow hair, ear hair, nose hair, nipple hair, mustache hair, toe hair, and mole hair. So much hair. As long as I have been alive I have never met a man who has been excited about my one really long chin hair. So we pluck. We wax. We shave. But even that isn’t enough. Some of us do laser hair removal. Even then, they still creep in. So girls have a car tweezers. A secret car tweezers. Whenever we get in the car, it never fails, another hair comes into view. We think, how did I miss that???? We can get some of the best plucking done in the car. Car tweezers.

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