Don’t “F” It Up

If I had a dollar for every … I’d have many, many dollars.

In love and life, in self loathing and exploration, in the middle with the rest of the girls, I have met a boy. I even hesitate to write about my experience, as I might fuck it up by saying it out loud. So I will speak softly and write carefully. It’s new and I don’t want to break it before I get to use it and suck the life out of it and eventually turn it against me. Alright, that sounds awful. I just really like this boy.

About the boy. He is tall and very handsome and scruffy and has a deep voice and strong hands and smells perfect. He is kind and always opens the door for me. The car (truck) door. He always unlocks it and walks around and opens it for me. He is courteous. He thinks about me when I am not around; “This reminded me of you today”. He kisses so good. He holds my hand. He pays for everything. He literally gives the best hugs. If he were in a hugging contest his hugs would win, hands down. He is funny. He is content and driven at the same time. He is athletic adjacent. When he leaves, I miss him until I see him again. He looks like Ryan Gosling.

About me. Keep the crazy inside. Distract yourself with other projects. Do not, do not text him excessively. Be sweet. Always smell good. Don’t say anything too liberal or conservative. Always kiss him hello. Let him be the man. Don’t emasculate him. Love on him not at him. Pick up on his cues. Keep your crazy, super smart, genius side on the down low. Be open. Make eye contact. Never turn away. Look pretty, but not like you’re trying to look pretty. Don’t eat, don’t eat, don’t eat…so you can eat when you are with him and “appear” as the kind of girl who does not have a fucked up relationship with food. Make him coffee. Be funny, not too funny. Hold his hand.

This boy is different than all of the other boys. He sees my guts. He likes them. I can see his and I like them. This hasn’t really happened yet. Not entirely. I’ve been pretty single for a very long time and it seems to be happening now. There have been a few other connections. One completely sexual and wrong and perfect. One completely perfect on paper, but I tried to be a different girl, one that would fit, but it never seemed to work. My mouth always gets in the way.

So for the many, many first dates and less than 5 second dates that I have been on in the last three years; the one almost boyfriend; the one side piece. This one has my attention in a different way. I just have to sit on my hands. He’s not going anywhere. It’s ok. Be cool honey bunny. Be cool.

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