I want a car. I want to fill the tank and go to the sea with my dog and my saxophone. I want to get out of the car and run into the wind, run into the forest, run across the shifting sands. I want to breathe freedom again. I want a home by the sea that I own, that no one can take away from me. I want to remember what it is to have that relationship with those lands and that sea and omit the torturous struggle of being far too vast for such a crippled drunken community, omit social behavior in general. I want to work to build a garden, to grow food against the wind and tides. Salty home. I miss it. Particularly putting on my wetsuit and feeling the ocean supporting my every part. Nothing is ever too heavy in the bouancy of the sea, nor are any decisions neccesary. The great mother ocean determines all. The energy the brings everything from India, from Japan, from Africa, from Hawaii, from the amazonian rainforest to the shores of Oregon. Unstoppable exchange and flowing release. It is no wonder in this maze I rarely ever find peace because unfortunately I have known true freedom and I am all too aware of the prison this illusion is. I appreciate the culture of this conglomeration but I wonder how I do this evetu day. Sometimes I have to put my hands over my ears to block out the bad vibrations and every time my mind takes me to that mountain of the angry god. The mountain with that incredible view I would merrily enjoy every day with just a modicum of stability in place. At every turn though I reject the unethical methods, holding to an ideal that may not exist any longer. My grandmother always wanted me to move to the city meet a nice man and be married, have a family. Well here I am. Completely bankrupt of meaning, befuddled, chaotic, moderately traumitized, still capable of humor and less certain of anything than ever before. Perhaps it was too much to give my heart to the sea, the loss feels like death. I want to go home and I want there to be a way. But I hold very still and sit with this raging energy torrent that is the urban experience and I try to remember I once was there and dreams can come true. Too many nightmares have played out. Too much time has elapsed. I wonder if there will ever be a car to take me where I want to go.