Radio silence and when it does tune in, only static is played here. Interference and static.
My lover does not care about the years of love poured out. My lover only cares about himself. I will acknowledge that is an actual accomplishment. After all the years of watching him self destruct it is a relief he finally loves himself enough to cease such patterns. Yet, i am left alone, untended.
And this is the price i pay.
To cry alone at 36. Not a mother, not a wife and unlike plenty of women i actually want those events and milestones.
I know i am worthy of kinder, gentler treatment. I know he isnt the only soul on the planet.
The love remains, painful and sharp, like a knife in my belly ripping me open. And i bleed out words and tears as i fight back a sense of lack and an ocean of fears.
Lost calls in the darkness. Hang up the phone, lay down alone. Just a ghost after all. And i will likely be haunted for life by this one. The one. And who could take the place he inhabits? Only me.
So i better get real comfortable with myself as i am drawing in deep and holding onto what i keep.
It hurts to love this way.