The insufferable pain of awareness punctuates otherwise pristine moments. I sit alone for even my dog has left me here in this box where i endlessly do math and try to figure out how to stretch my dollars. For two years now i have been looking at my credit score and doing the credit dance. For long stretches of this era i have been entirely face down in rebuilding mode.

Now i have my danskos and i have my fair trade organic cotton clothes, my columbia rain jacket and my fun new costumes. But i have turned ao inward it requires supernatural strength to face the world. It is as though magnets got switched moving inland, as though my entire power source and sense of ryhthm was derived from the sea. The radioactive, cold sea. Now i am just a flicker on a station overrun by thousands of signals, not quite assimilated now likelybto ever be again. The place i grew up is rapidly disappearing these days, being painted over and dressed up like a whore. Yes, i just called portland a whore. Inviting any and all the seediest from anywhere to come sink deep in here. The spiritual disease transmission rates are profound. This is not the lands i used to love. Used to walk down the streets and know other people here. Now i shuffle through the hoards from san fransisco, new york, minnesota, texas, seattle, florida, everywhere and anywhere but here. We locally grown are a rare breed in 2016.

In all the pursuit of material comfort following what should probably be just summed up as my own personal great depression, I have yet to taste the satisfaction in any of it. When i used to climb mountains hungry and cold at least the view and the effort felt so worth it. Palpable oxygen, pungent forest aromas, a clear and obvious destination, even if it was just circles all the time.

I may be carrying a gift right now. Oddly it feels more like it than ever before, and for that I feel blessed and lucky, yet it certainly demands a certain level of security I have been finding elusive up until now. Not too mention I had always thought my dream man would be in the picture, ah well, there is time yet. Seeds take awhile to grow to fruitition anyways. Glad i dropped that 9lbs last month anyways.

My brain is disorganized and my body just wishes to be held by a strong gentle man who may or may not exist anywhere on this planet.

My family speaks in english, plain as can be yet the phrases and extra words are foreign to many ears.

I am just making an effort to write without stopping, without judgement, without fear. Because what’s the point of fear anyways, life happens to the best of us however it is supposed to for our spiritual evolution.

And another day passes at the water hole. I looked into a passport and while it is all straightforward there is no future plan of international travel yet so it is hard to justify spending my only mainland money on it.

I have a million extravagant things I wish to do. Perhaps before i die i will have a chance to do aome of it at least and no matter what i hope i can make my experience to bring new life to. Ever since that child died all i have wanted is to create new life. But surely life is more than credit scores and shoes. Surely it is making it to the top of the mountain and breathing deep a view of the deep blue sea. That is what I feel is important and healing. Maybe someday I will hang out with someone who agrees.

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