NIGERIAN WEDDINGS: WHOSE WEDDING IS IT?
I never really understood why Nigerian weddings were such a big deal. I can count how many weddings I have attended on my two hands, but as the planning of my wedding started, I began to understand many things better. The months leading up to my wedding were very interesting. I learnt a lot — some things I wish I knew before, some other things I could only learn as I was going through the process. While the decision to get married is conceived and nurtured by two people, the process of execution includes more people, and rightly so.
I hope the progression of this article explains what I mean. I would like to mention that it is important for couples to have a good understanding of each other’s preferences or dislikes before kicking off wedding planning. I would recommend a long and sincere conversation about everything, from dreams, desires, and fears about the process of getting married, the wedding, people, likes and dislikes, and more, even before proceeding to inform parents, friends, or planners. This conversation helps protect your future marriage from the learning curve that you are probably about to start.
Here is why I think it is very important — culture and weddings would come and go, but you and your partner, your love, how you have treated each other during this rigorous planning process, and hopefully good memories would be all that remain, linger, and keep coming up. So my advice is to prioritize these things as much as possible.
In the months of wedding planning, I understood better what “it takes a community to bring up a child” means. During the weeks leading up to my wedding, I started to understand why Nigerian weddings are the way they are. You see a lot of people from your childhood to your teenage phase, and even those that say “the last time I saw you, you were so small, congratulations on your wedding!”. While many dread conversations like that, it is bound to happen.
A good way to understand Nigerian weddings is to see them as a celebration of the journey of life.
A good way to understand Nigerian weddings is to see them as a celebration of the journey of life. Within the context of the Nigerian culture, weddings are not just a celebration of love. I have heard and seen so many people say what their ‘dream wedding’ is and it is largely about what they want. It is easy to isolate the imagination of a wedding without the other parties that are involved. It is more natural to think of the people you want, the number of guests, your dress or suit, the hairstyle, the food, even the venue, without much accommodation for the opinion of others. It is your wedding, so why not? While that sounds nice, permit me to draw your attention to the truth that such disposition may be selfish.
Let me put it like this, you are not the only one dreaming about your wedding. You are not the first to dream about your wedding. What do I mean? Imagine with me. You know that your friend’s child that you love so much? You prayed with the parents for the fruit of the womb, waited with them out of love, and when the child arrived you took that child like he/she was yours? You spoil the child silly when you get the chance, carry the child at church, watched the child gets his/her first tooth. You saw the video of the child’s first steps on social media — you are invested in that child’s development. You are part of the community that the child grows in for a short or long while. Then you move to Canada or get a job that takes you to a far location. There is a tendency that you would not be as familiar with the child due to distance, but does that take away the connection you had with the child? No. Would the child remember your face? Maybe or maybe not.
Let’s also say his/her parents keep sharing updates with you — ‘Tunde/Chioma just finished Junior WAEC!’, ‘Tomi/Hassan has gained admission to Covenant University, ‘Alice/Festus is now in his/her Final year’, ‘Tofarati/Awati is working now!’, ‘Onome/Emeka is about to get married’ Truth is, you have actively or passively participated in the child’s life and you have become invested in his/her wellbeing.
Now that Onome is getting married, would his/her parents want to invite you to their child’s wedding? Yes. Would you like to go? Yes. Are you going to ask to be invited? Maybe. Is your friend being burdensome by wanting to invite you to the wedding? Are you the first person that comes to Onome’s mind when he/she imagines his/her wedding? No. He/She would imagine 50–100 out of his/her closest friends and mentors. Remember this is just one of the parties, the intricacy of relationships and consideration of who should witness the attainment of this stage of life also applies to the other half of the couple and his or her parents. Let us say that your friend is the groom’s mother, you are not the only friend she has. The groom’s father has a similar relationship with his friends. At this stage, if there was a list of invited guests drawn up by the parents, it would be no surprise at all if in your opinion, it was overpopulated with names you cannot recall nor see relevance in their attendance. All of this doesn’t include relationships developed in the church, various learning institutions, and Onome’s workplace. You can hopefully see that weddings are a hallmark celebration with a lot more stakeholders than initially identified.
By the way, if you are in planning stage and at this point, my thoughts and prayers are with you. This part is not for the faint hearted but it will serve as a good opportunity to learn the beauty of compromise and how to honor what is important to others.)
Within the Nigerian context, a child is brought up by a community, so it makes sense that when it comes to what is probably the most significant event of the child’s life thus far, the community is involved. One of the biggest gifts you can give to people that brought you up is for them to see you get married. There it is, ladies and gentlemen, this is the beautiful perspective I gained from my process. You may not agree with the significance of the gift to the receiver, but in giving, the true value of a gift is determined by the receiver and the worth he/she attaches to it.
Something else I gained from my process, is the actual growth and knowledge experienced with my partner. In the wedding process, there is so much to learn. From the legal process to the cultural context, the financial planning, the emotions involved, and the unspoken expectations. It is a lot, but it is also very beautiful a phase to go through with your partner. It is good to highlight the importance of being present and prepared for the journey, as a brilliant person told me, ‘the process of getting married is the first project couples handle as a unit’. The wedding is a very good opportunity to grow with your partner in understanding and teamwork.
Here are some of those learnings I now share as tips for those engaged:
- Involve your Parents as much as you and your partner can. Try to see things from your parents’ point of view because they are a vital part of the celebration. They are also celebrants so don’t deny them the influence that comes with that position, of course to a reasonable extent. Wisdom is needed for this.
- Accept all the assistance you can get as the time for your wedding comes closer. Allow people to help you with as much as they want to, especially for the wedding because that is what gets the most exposure or attention. Housing and honeymoon are more of a personal project for the couple.
- Do your research about the legal process of getting married in Nigeria, this can be pretty tricky so be sure to ask around and visit the Registry for clarity.
- Do not go into debt for the sake of your wedding, it is a passing event that should not have lasting consequences whether financially, on your marriage, or on your relationships. Be sure to do your best to keep all parties involved happy or at peace.
- Protect your relationship with your spouse intentionally, and above all. After it is all said and done, you and your partner would be left in each other’s arms (hopefully)to move on — so be wise.
- Protect the finances of your partner because you more or less have the same pocket at this point in time. It is wise to accept and ask for the support of parents and loved ones that are more established. Don’t start a life together broke, you want to give yourselves a soft landing after the event has passed.
- This is a very important one — do not put too much pressure on you and your partner for a grand wedding, you’re just starting out in life together. You will grow from where you are at the moment. You guys have a lifetime to live your best life so do it on your terms and void of fruitless pressure.
So whose wedding is a Nigerian Wedding? I think it is a celebration of the life of the couple, the hard work and success of the families and communities that raised them, and the beauty of our intersecting journeys on the path of life. So whose wedding is a Nigerian Wedding? It is one for all and all for none, and rightly so.
At the end of the day, the bottom line is that everyone has a good time, and no one is left in ruins or with baggage from the day. The bottom line helps you to act in wisdom throughout the process. Congratulations if you are at this stage of your relationship, may God keep and guide you and yours to live happily and purposefully. If you are simply reading this for leisure or curiosity sake, genuinely support your friends when they are getting married and understand that it is not only ‘their wedding’ so it is not all in their hands. Pray for them, lend them a helping hand and a patient ear, give wise counsel and send them money.
If you found this article insightful, please don’t hesitate to highlight and share sentences that you found profound.
Thanks for your time!
