Asking is never easy.

I want to thank everyone who has shared and donated to my fundraiser. This year, I made a promise to myself that I will return to Mexico. Even if that risked the chance of not coming back.

After my grandparents became ill I started to really think of self-deporting. This year is the first time I was able to enroll in college. Enrolling in school saved me in many ways and has created opportunities I thought didn’t exist anymore. Once I was enrolled in classes other opportunities presented themselves, such as the opportunity to study abroad in Mexico. Traveling abroad to Mexico; thanks to being accepted into this program I no longer have to choose between being separated from my grandparents and my family here in NYC who are my constant motivation. With an opportunity like this one, I will be able to hold my grandparents once more. Hear their stories and taste the food I have heard so much about. Feel the love that I have needed so deeply when I was hospitalized after having several suicide attempts.

Asking for help has been so difficult. Part of me thinks it is because I am still not ready to say I am still struggling with my own life. I work so hard to create opportunities and open up space for all undocumented youth and part of that has created this concept in my mind that I must have my life all together. So the folks I work with trust in my ability to support them yet, I struggle to support myself.

I am open about my mental health issues. Yet much like others I keep parts of my life private. I keep mine private because I am ashamed of how I am not as strong as people say. Yet I knew hosting this online fundraiser would bring up questions I was not prepared to answer. Not because I was lying but because my struggles have been taken as an open invitation for the need to victimize me in order for you to donate or share my story. I should not have to receive messages that say “it sounds like you need this money for the actual trip or “I thought you had a scholarship”

News flash a scholarship covering the cost of trip does not cover buying an actual suitcase, paying for food outside the food provided, and other necessities that quite frankly don’t concern you. If you need to me to cry more than my heart allows me to feel for you to support me. Don’t!

As a women I am already questioned for most of my actions and thoughts on a daily. I am not for you to look at me and feel pity. I want support from folks who can get joy from helping me and not expect a to be cured from karma or “privilege” guilt.

My story has already been used for that more than once and I have had enough. It was used for politicians who cared less.

My own guilt is enough to need you to add yours. I understand I have an opportunity that is very rare and specific to this particular type of narrative. Being aware on how lucky I am that I was able to become a college student and get to work as an organizer makes me feel guilty. Despite working hard like all of my Community, I had an advantage due to people labeling me as a Dreamer. However this opportunity is a basic right we should all have. We need access to travel and say fuck those borders!

With all that being said thank you for folks who have supported me.

I Know that this trip means a lot to me and to what is left of my creative personality. I owe this to the little girl that used to cry herself asleep because she missed her abuelita y su Tia. I owe it to the teenager who pretended to not be Mexican and made sure she only listened to music in English. The women who is growing into her body and self. I owe myself joy even if it’s temporary. I want to know I did everything possible to ensure that I returned to the place I took my first steps in.

I know I am loud, angry and full of love for all of my community and outside of it. This love is what helped me come to the decision to ask. I tell the youth I work with all the time. “If you don’t ask you won’t know”. Is my turn to practice this very act. Today I ask you to help me see my family across this border. This story is one of resistance of love and community not one that victimizes and me or romanticizes my trauma for anyone’s pleasure.

https://www.youcaring.com/guadalupe-ambrosio-588539

Thanks to a special someone for helping me edit my piece.❤